sky*garden

All I need

2010-05-20T18:32:00.002-04:00

So it's been a few months since the last time I wrote a post, mostly because school and guard and general life-things have been taking up a lot of my time and will to accomplish. I guess I just need to make an update, in case someone actually reads this junk to try to understand me and how I work. Also, I really don't want this to become a sad post. I read through this blog every now and again (obviously without making a new post) and I realize how down a lot of what I've written is. I feel so...I don't know, gloomy. I guess the dark background doesn't help much. But honestly, I don't want this to read like all I can do is mope about how awful my life really isn't. I'm so lucky, in so many ways...it's easy to forget how lucky we all are.

I have a job this summer working for Fred J. Miller as a color guard instructor at the FJM Clinics (www.fjmclinics.com). I'm really excited to get paid to do something that I love, not to mention it's more teaching experience. How it works is, I live in Dayton (Miamisburg) for 7 weeks. The first week is training at FJM headquarters. Then, the next 6 weeks start the clinics, Sat-Thurs. Saturday is a travel day and Thursday is staff development. There are 3 clinics a week, so the entire FJM staff is split into 3 groups that travel to clinics together. The clinics have programs in four areas: Drum Major/Student Leader, Color Guard (me!), Twirling, and Dance. I'm wicked pumped to fly out there and start working! I need the money...for more color guard.

I'm not marching this summer, kind of bitter about that. I had such a great time with Carolina Crown last year, it's so hard to hear about everyone leaving for spring training this week. But, with the money that I make this summer and hopefully working in the fall, I'll be able to march with Blessed Sacrament and Carolina Crown 2011.

Of course a blog post wouldn't be complete without some drama. I've come to the conclusion that I can only pick winners, as far as guys go...and we're going heavy on the sarcasm, folks. It seems like every boy I get attracted to on more than one level has some glaring problem that prevents future involvement. These aren't necessarily character flaws or me being picky (at least I hope it isn't me), but real life stuff that just makes things hard, and not in the fun way. Some are leaving Boston/BU for extended periods, some are in different stages of their life, some are really far away, some live and work with me in ways that make a relationship difficult to maintain, some of us grew apart...it's just not fun. I've gotten to that point in my single-life-cycle where I seriously start to pine for someone consistent that I can be with intimately, honestly, openly, and exclusively for a long period of time, like one measured in months and not days or (God forbid) hours. Everyone gets there and everyone struggles with finding that person. I know that the next guy may not be "the one," but maybe I'm not really looking for that one. Maybe I'm just looking for someone who will take the relationship seriously for as long as we can stand each other. Basically I guess I'm trying to say that it's really hard to stay detached for long.

It's kind of weird for me to say that, at least that's what I feel right now. I sometimes view myself as someone who is consistently detached but not in the sense that I don't care about anything. I would consider myself a passionate individual, at least about certain things, but detached in the sense that my emotions are far from the surface. I try to not let things get to me, I rarely cry (wrote a blog post about that!), few people get to hear what really goes on inside my head and my heart. Maybe that's the problem, that I'm not willing to open up to people. I can point to several times when being up-front and honest has come back to haunt me, and it's a truly scary thing to bare yourself in front of anyone. Color guard and movement are my outlets, as well as this blog to a certain extent. Maybe I'm looking for that human outlet, the person to hear me, listen to me, hold me, tell me it's going to be alright.

Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

_~*and as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual*~_

[z^3]

Simple gifts

2010-01-21T21:00:00.002-05:00

All I want to do
Is watch Invader Zim
Let you fix my back
And hold each other

That would make my life

In case you were wondering.

May start posting regularly again...
Getting back into the groove.

[z^3]

*~_ and as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual _~*

All my fragile strength is gone

2009-10-17T17:50:00.003-04:00

I feel like this post is going to become more of a rant than anything else. It's been a long time since I've updated; some reasons are legitimate, most others are just the same laziness that taints my drive to do schoolwork and ability to keep in touch with my parents.
Quite a bit has happened since I last rambled my way along this particular stretch of the Blogosphere...I've lost a friend, gained new ones...I've become a leader, and part of things bigger than myself.
Needless to say I've been pretty fxcking busy.
Classes are...a lot. Honestly I've been doing pretty well except for Biochem, completely bombed the first midterm...so sad. But my curved 99% in Intensive Cell Bio makes me feel better about everything grade-related. I love my Intro to Education class, even though it takes up most of my Wednesdays and I'm completely exhausted by the end of the day. So worth it to learn how to teach :)
Color guard has been lots of fun. I got a spot in a World Class team for the 2010 season, cannot wait to start learning show! Finally spinning rifle as well, wicked excited. Of course it's a huge time sink, my weekends are completely shot from Oct. 31 to April 8ish but is anything worthwhile not time consuming? Also it will be great to see all my friends from Crown at WGI in Dayton!
So...yeah.
There was the unfortunate event of losing a friend last month, not to death or some illness or moving away. Just, lost. No longer friends. It's sad, and it's sad that it still bothers me. There's the idea that he obviously doesn't want to be associated with me, as evidenced by us not talking and his dedicated avoidance of me at all costs, so I should move on as well. But I have a very hard time with that. I don't think I should just let go. We had some great times together, we also fought a lot. But I felt like I was making a difference, like we were growing from our interactions with each other, as crazy, messed up, geeky, contrived, stupid, emotional and outlandish as they were. He really did mean something to me as a friend. He held me to a higher standard than a lot of my friends do, a standard I frequently missed and was very quickly and clearly reminded of by him. I pushed him as well, to be socially active, to make mistakes, to try new things that might turn out bad but won't be permanently damaging...basically live life outside of the internet or television. I'm sure this makes me sound self-righteous and makes him sound in the wrong...but I'm never sure who was trying to rescue who and if it was really worth it. Is rescuing even supposed to be a goal of friendship? Trying to change someone is never really a good plan, so how could that be the intent of befriending someone? People do change over time through their interactions with other people and their environment. Maybe he knew this. Maybe he didn't want to risk changing, and put new people and new environments far away. Who needs those things? They're only going to change me in ways I might not enjoy...I guess I like the idea of change, of growth. I want to teach, my job will be expanding minds, or at least I'd like to think of it like that. Did I want to teach him something? Maybe. Was that my goal? It could have been. I'd like to think that my goal was to be his friend.
I recently started an Interest Group for a fraternity. I'm trying to start a chapter. I was stunned that a group actually came together. I'm still stunned that I'm in a leadership role. It's crazy, it makes me lose sleep, but it could be such a positive thing for these guys, for future guys, for the whole campus.
Only thing is, the group has already started drama. I don't know what to do. I'm a part of it (the drama), but I'm the leader. How do I handle myself? It's not an official chapter, I can't "pull rank" and remove myself from situations that might compromise my "authority" or "objectivity." I just happen to be the guy who sends out emails and tries to keep in touch with the National Organization. I need to keep control somehow, but how can I control something that's inherently unorganized, just a social group that will eventually move forward into Greek life? And if I lose the respect of these guys, what happens? I get replaced? That wouldn't be a terrible thing. But if the group falls apart without even taking one step forward? I'd never forgive myself. I need to figure myself out, or cut some parts of me off.
There's no way I can tell the full story of the drama without incriminating both myself and the parties involved. Also there are a few distinct stories that have to be told all together so that the full breadth of my insanity can truly be comprehended. There's no way anyone could stand reading them all in one blog post. Maybe you'll have to ask me in person one day, and I can TRY to explain it to you. Suffice it to say, what a tangled web we weave.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I need a pause button. It's not that there aren't positive things going on in my life, there's plenty. I love school, I love teaching, I love color guard, I love my friends, I love the Interest Group. There's just things that keep getting in the way, physically, emotionally, mentally...I want to solve them but there's no way I can, at least as expediently and thoroughly as I want to. I wish I could tag someone else, or delegate little [z^3]-clones to figure things out on their own and report back to me, but obviously I can't. I love the world, I love living in it. I just wish there was enough time to be left alone once in a while...to float freely without a care in the world...to be kept without chains.

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I
Try to make you see that you're
Everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down...

_~*and as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual*~_

[z^3]

you can't beat that

2009-09-11T12:34:00.007-04:00

so i don't really have much to say today...
i've recently learned a lot about living with and on the internet. some of it was hard, some was from friends, some from people i wish i could talk to more, some from people i really don't want to talk to ever.
the important thing, at least what i feel was important, was persevering. i know it wasn't some catastrophe, like the anniversary we remember today...but it felt real, present, almost dangerous at times. i was worried, scared for my reputation, that people might change what they think of me. i can't lie and say that i've completely moved on and i'm not even phased. but there's been some growing over the course of this week. i hope it stays, i hope to keep growing and learning about life, about people, about me. i hope that i recognize the people and things allowing me to grow, and that i accept them freely and openly. it's all part of the biography, it all matters.
anyway...
i finally found the full transcript of this monologue, it's from The Daily Show with Jon Stewart on September 20, 2001. it was the episode aired following the 9/11 attacks. some of you may know it, or have heard bits and pieces of it. it means a lot to me, especially being able to finally read all of it, and i hope it strikes something in you as well. enjoy...

September 20, 2001

With Jon Stewart

Good evening and welcome to the Daily Show. We are back. This is our first show since the tragedy in New York City and there is really no other way to start the show then to ask you at home the question that we asked the audience here tonight and that we’ve asked everybody we know here in New York since September 11, and that is, "Are you okay?" And we pray that you are and that your family is.

I'm sorry to do this to you. It's another entertainment show beginning with an overwrought speech of a shaken host--and television is nothing if not redundant. So I apologize for that. Its something that, unfortunately, we do for ourselves so that we can drain whatever abscess is in our hearts and move on to the business of making you laugh, which we haven’t been able to do very effectively lately. Everyone has checked in already. I know we are late. I’m sure we are getting in just under the wire before the cast of Survivor offers their insight into what to do in these situations. They said to get back to work. There were no jobs open for a man in the fetal position under his desk crying. . . which I gladly would have taken. So I come back here and tonight’s show is not obviously a regular show. We looked through the vault and found some clips that we think will make you smile, which is really what’s necessary, I think, right about now.

A lot of folks have asked me, "What are you going to do when you get back? What are you going to say? I mean, jeez, what a terrible thing to have to do." And you know, I don’t see it as a burden at all. I see it as a privilege. I see it as a privilege and everyone here does. The show in general we feel like is a privilege. Even the idea that we can sit in the back of the country and make wise cracks. . . which is really what we do. We sit in the back and throw spitballs--but never forgetting that it is a luxury in this country that allows us to do that. That is, a country that allows for open satire, and I know that sounds basic and it sounds like it goes without saying. But that’s really what this whole situation is about. It’s the difference between closed and open. The difference between free and. . . burdened. And we don’t take that for granted here, by any stretch of the imagination. And our show has changed. I don’t doubt that. And what it has become I don’t know. "Subliminible" is not a punchline anymore. Someday it will become that again, Lord willing it will become that again, because it means that we have ridden out the storm.

The main reason that I wanted to speak tonight is not to tell you what the show is going to be, not to tell you about all the incredibly brave people that are here in New York and in Washington and around the country, but we’ve had an unenduring pain, an unendurable pain and I just. . . I just wanted to tell you why I grieve--but why I don’t despair. (choking back tears) I’m sorry. . . (chuckles slightly) luckily we can edit this. . . (beats lightly on his desk, collects himself).

One of my first memories was of Martin Luther King being shot. I was five and if you wonder if this feeling will pass. . . (choked up). . . When I was five and he was shot, this is what I remember about it. I was in school in Trenton and they turned the lights off and we got to sit under our desks. . . and that was really cool. And they gave us cottage cheese, which was a cold lunch because there were riots, but we didn’t know that. We just thought, "My God! We get to sit under our desks and eat cottage cheese!" And that’s what I remember about it. And that was a tremendous test of this country's fabric and this country has had many tests before that and after that.

The reason I don’t despair is that. . . this attack happened. It's not a dream. But the aftermath of it, the recovery, is a dream realized. And that is Martin Luther King's dream.

Whatever barriers we put up are gone. Even if it's just momentary. We are judging people by not the color of their skin, but the content of their character. (pause) You know, all this talk about "These guys are criminal masterminds. They got together and their extraordinary guile and their wit and their skill. . ." It's all a lie. Any fool can blow something up. Any fool can destroy. But to see these guys, these firefighters and these policemen and people from all over the country, literally with buckets, rebuilding. . . that’s extraordinary. And that's why we have already won. . . they can't. . . it's light. It's democracy. They can't shut that down.

They live in chaos. And chaos, it can't sustain itself--it never could. It's too easy and it's too unsatisfying. The view. . . from my apartment. . . (choking up) was the World Trade Center. . .

Now it's gone. They attacked it. This symbol of...of American ingenuity and strength...and labor and imagination and commerce and it's gone. But you know what the view is now? The Statue of Liberty...the view from the south of Manhattan is the Statue of Liberty...

You can’t beat that. . .

for all those touched by the tragic events of 9/11...
those who died
those who were injured, body, mind or spirit
those who watched as the towers burned
those who fought against the hijackers
those who saved countless people
those who work hard to rebuild
those who want to forget
those who will never forget
those who keep moving on...

With the stillness of the night
there comes a time to understand
to reach out and touch tomorrow
take the future in our hand

We can see a new horizon
built on all that we have done
and our dreams begin another
thousand circles 'round the sun

We go on
to the joy and through the tears

We go on
to discover new frontiers

Moving on
with the current of the years

We go on
moving forward, now as one

Moving on
with a spirit born to run

Ever on
with each rising sun

To a new day
We go on

_~* and as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual *~_

[z^3]

I'd never want to see you unhappy

2009-09-04T21:19:00.003-04:00

This blog has been a long time coming, so bear with me.
Today, I met up with a bunch of my good friends and co-workers from last winter for dinner in Boston. We had such a good time. The food was great (and cheap!), we went for ice cream afterwards (minus one of us), it was just a really nice reunion.
However.
Now I'm sitting here in my dorm, feeling like shit, feeling like I want to scream, feeling like injuring myself or someone else or something.
It's because of S, my ex-boyfriend who was with us at dinner.
It's not like he's trying to make me feel this way. We actually had a very civil breakup after three months (the relationship, the distance, his job and teaching was causing him lots of stress, he didn't want to be unfair to me by not being all he could for me, it was a mutual decision). and continued to teach together after that. I saw him on tour this summer with his new boyfriend and, again, we talked and hung out and everything was sunshine and rainbows and flowers.
After tour, I was back in NJ, and a bunch of my high school friends went out to the movies together. Afterwards, we went to a 24-hour diner (it was 2am, and sidenote: why can't there be 24-hour diners everywhere? They are AWESOME) and ate and talked a while. During that time, my good friend who is the boyfriend of one of my co-workers said that S had contacted his girlfriend, J, recently. They were talking about the fall season (that I'm not teaching) and the upcoming winter (that I hopefully am teaching) and the normal BS. Four hours after this conversation, S calls her back because something slipped his mind earlier. He forgot to mention that after the winter season, he's planning on moving to Portland, Oregon to live with the love of his life, the boy he met on tour, and he's leaving J to be in charge of the color guard.
What. The. Fxck.
I was in a state of shock. Later that night I called up the girlfriend and we talked about what I had just heard. Neither of us had words to describe how stupefied we were. Many talks about this ensued over the weeks leading up to tonight's get-together.
S's plans were discussed briefly over dinner.
It took me so much concentration to not completely rage all over him for the duration of the meal. Fortunately I was not alone, as the winter director (who is due to deliver a baby girl in about 10 days) was also about to punch S in the throat.
I'm going through this whole "set the scene" rigmarole to offer the best chance for the reader to understand where I'm coming from when I begin to rant, which will be in about five seconds.
Let me say some things about S before I actually begin. Firstly, he is a very sweet individual, not a bad person at all. Second, S is not in school, nor has he completed any education past high school. Next, S is a temp. Last, he lives with his mother in assisted housing and they share a car.
Now.

What the fxck is he thinking? I don't understand the logic, the decision-making process he used to decide to move across the entire country for this boyfriend of his. How can you know that you're ready to live with someone you've only known for a shade over three months? Don't give me any of that "love at first sight" bullshit, that doesn't exist. Not to mention the fact that the boy in question is already living with someone else! S expects that either Sleepless-in-Portland (S's bf) will kick out whats-his-face and let S move in, or S will get an apartment and wait for Sleepless-in-Portland to figure shxt out. Only problem with that is, it's fxcking PORTLAND. This isn't 1950, you can't just waltz into a major city and pick out an apartment you want to live in. Not only that, S is a temp with no college education. What job are you going to get with those credentials that will even allow you to support yourself, let alone find your own apartment in the city? It's not like S-i-P is a billionaire heir or something, he's working a regular day job probably not unlike S, so who does S expect to help him figure out his new life on the West Coast? Speaking of new lives, S isn't the only person he's effecting by moving 3,000 miles away. First and probably the most important person affected: Mommy dearest. Momma S has been in and out of employment since S and I first met, and she's been holding down her current job for a few months. But again, she's not earning a salary, she's getting an hourly wage, which, even with her and S put together, still had a hard time making ends meet. Without S at home, what is she going to do? Spend months looking for a second job? Possibly not find one and risk her home, her security? Other people affected: Triton staff, namely J. J and I both relied on S not only to direct the guard, but also to get us to and from rehearsals during the week. Without him there, not only does J have to become the director, we have no way to get to rehearsals. J also lives in California when she's not here at BU. How is she going to teach band camp or write a show from Cali? Logistics are not favorable, folks. I'm personally affected because this makes me feel like S is a worthless, unstable piece of shxt. How is our relationship "too stressful" when I live 45 mins away, and now you're willing to move across the country for someone you've known for basically the same amount of time and now won't see for basically a year? Until you pack up what little life you have and spend money you don't have to live there? How should I feel?
Fxck my emotional mess, I know I just have to figure that out myself.
However, comma, there's still the arbitrary silliness that is this whole "Mr. S goes to Portland" catastrophe.
Should I be angry? I certainly think so. I feel betrayed, not just on the emotional level of ex-boyfriend, current friend stuff. I feel betrayed on a basic trust level, on a respect-for-your-coworkers level. How could he not tell me something like this directly? How dare he let me find out not even from one of my coworkers, but her boyfriend? I thought we were friends, that we had been able to move past the potential awkwardness of a breakup.
Should I communicate my feelings to S? I think so as well. This decision isn't just affecting me, it affects everyone in his life. Does he know that? I'm not even sure. His reasoning comes across as immature and selfish, only looking out for his happiness, not even considering what it means for the rest of the people in his life. I wanted to say something to him tonight, but I knew that if I started it would end up looking something like this, but probably with more swears and A LOT louder and accusatory.
I just don't know what to do. I'm going to try to get S to come by so we can have a private sit-down and talk face to face, but I don't know if that's going to happen. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to injure something or someone, I need some sort of release. Obviously I can't do any of these things with S in front of me (maybe the scream part). But even if S does come in and we chat, is it even worth it? How can I expect him to listen to me? It will be all too easy for him to write off my arguments as me not wanting him to be happy, or me being jealous of his current relationship, or me taking things out of proportion, or me wanting him back. I've gone over it in my head before. But I have to get it off of my chest. I want him to hear what I have to say.
I don't want S to ruin his life.
What happens if things don't go according to his plans? If he gets kicked out on the streets of Portland, no job, no money, no place to stay? He has the potential to fall and fall HARD. I'd hate to get a call in the middle of the night from him, telling me that he has no place to go. I don't even want to think about it, but he HAS to think about it. He needs to know the risks that he's taking, the people he's hurting. He has to weigh out the benefits versus the costs, and if it's really worth it. Only he can make that decision.
I don't want him to go. Not for my sake, but for his.
If he goes out there...
I...we...might never see him again.
I don't want to have to say goodbye...forever.

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

_~*and as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual*~_

[z^3]

like a runaway train

2009-08-25T00:27:00.004-04:00

wow it's been a while...
well i was on tour this summer. that was an experience.
i could blog on and on about all the interesting things that happened and how amazing and incredible this summer was (because it was)...but i have a journal for that. and friends i can tell in person and on the phone and through IM's and blah blah blah...
anyway.

i got back home from indianapolis with my family on the night of august 10 and have been in NJ with them ever since.

i'm. going. to. explode.

i don't know what it is about being back at home that makes me want to injure small animals. i love my family, i really do...not just saying that to make myself believe it (hopefully). they just won't leave me alone.

i was fortunate enough to land a job teaching my friend's band camp up in northern NJ for a week...that was fun, i made some friends, earned some money...of course there was paperwork to fill out, including 2 forms that had to be notarized. i also have to get my fingerprint taken by this agency and bring back a receipt that i actually had it done. my appointment is on wednesday. i leave on friday. so on thursday i get to return all my paperwork. somehow, by there being only 4 days for me to pack up my life, my parents decide to just blow up.

all of a sudden my dad is ranting and raving about how i haven't managed my time well and yelling at my mom because she's not letting him speak and how i have no time and i'm yelling back and...
disaster.

i just can't deal with it.
i mean everything is pretty much okay now...
it's just like...i don't know...every now and then there will just be this outbreak of people screaming at each other for no apparent reason.

it's not fun.

and still, my parents WONDER why i can't wait to go back to boston, why i try so hard to find my friends and make plans while i'm still in NJ, why i want to go back and march Carolina Crown next summer too...and the summer after that, my last summer of drum corps.

i know that it's bad to run away from your problems, but this is stuff that i can't solve. there's nothing in my power that i can do to fix my parents' relationship. what am i supposed to do?

i'm sure i could just shut up and do what they say, but that's not the point. i've been working on getting stuff ready for school, doing laundry, getting stuff done. but, without fail, every time i walk out of my room or come back from being out somewhere, the world collapses and i have to do all these different things in the next five minutes or my dad will explode or my mom will start nagging at my sister and i... it's just a vicious cycle.

i could be blowing all of this out of proportion. i mean, hey, some kids don't even have two parents living together...some kids don't even have one parent. who am i to complain that my parents relationship sucks? at least my parents are alive and together right?

and college...so many kids don't even get to college, let alone an amazing one like BU...how dare i complain about having so much to do while i'm there?

drum corps? winter guard? some people don't even know what that is...and i'm moaning about how hard it is to make time and money to march...

i don't know. i hate being that person who bitches and moans about every little thing that doesn't go perfectly in their little life plans...

i just feel like i'm trying so hard, i have the means, the opportunity, and then stupid shit like my parents arguing with me or each other screws everything up. what can i do?

i just want my dorm and my university and my city...
i just want to be left alone, to live life on my terms...at least for a semester or two (or six)

3 days until boston...
i know my family is going to miss me
not sure how much i'm going to miss them

but i do love them

i know i do

i know...

i...

do?

There was no party, there were no songs
'Cause today's just a day like the day that he started
No one is left here that knows his first name
And life barrels on like a runaway train
Where the passengers change
They don't change anything
You get off; someone else can get on
And I'm sorry, Mr. Jones
It's time
Streetlight shines through the shades
Casting lines on the floor, and lines on his face
He reflects on the day
Fred gets his paints out and goes to the basement
Projecting some slides onto a plain white
Canvas and traces it
Fills in the spaces
He turns off the slides, and it doesn't look right
Yeah, and all of these bastards
Have taken his place
He's forgotten but not yet gone
And I'm sorry, Mr. Jones
And I'm sorry, Mr. Jones
And I'm sorry, Mr. Jones
It's time...

_~* and as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual *~_

[z^3]

Take these sunken eyes

2009-05-16T00:19:00.002-04:00

It's been a (relatively) long time.
I feel remiss for not updating this garden more often...
My deepest apologies to all three of you who actually read this poor, dry plot of weeds.
Anyway.
I'm just about halfway through the first portion of my summer, pre-Carolina Crown. I feel like the past 7-8 days have been...well...not wasteful, just not as productive as I'd have liked them to be. Don't get me wrong, I've been more than grateful to see my family again, and being able to see the youngins still in high school is awesome, and my teachers were happy to see me. I saw DCI Countdown at Clifton Commons with pretty much my best friend ever, and now he might be marching this summer as well! Then we saw X-Men Origins: Wolverine the other night, another fun experience.
I just can't shake the feeling that I'm not using my time wisely.
It's a pretty valid thought to have; I've been getting up no earlier than 10am since I got back home, about half of the stuff I brought back home from BU is still in boxes, I have yet to go shopping for tour...
There are positives: half of the stuff I brought back home from BU is not in boxes, I started running this morning with pretty-much-my-best-friend-ever and saw him off to his first ever drum corps weekend, I've gotten to see a lot of my friends, my sister and family are ecstatic that I'm back home...
But I can't stop feeling that I should be getting more done. And I feel like it's all my parents' fault.
I know that it's totally a normal teenage response to just about anything that happens in an adolescent's life. It's just that never before has it been this obvious and this emotionally hard-hitting. My parents are in a rough patch, have been pretty much since I first left for school. There was a time when my dad was living in Bridgewater with my aunt because my mom kicked him out of the house. I'd delve into the background of their dispute, but I don't have enough information, it's really hard to talk about, and quite frankly it's none of your business. Anyway, every time I'm with them since college, there's always been at least two loud arguments while I've been around. It's really hard to watch the relationship between your parents deteriorate while you're away at school, and then when you're home for less than two weeks before you head off for another almost three months.
This stress makes things harder for everyone. It's harder for my parents to make decisions, harder for me to ask them things, harder for me to listen to them, harder for them to listen to me. It's really hard for my sister...I don't even want to think about it. She's been at home with just the two of them because I'm away at school. I worry for her so much...
So, yes, I do blame my parents for my current emotional state. I know that I'm not completely blameless, everyone has their own crosses to bear and mountains to climb. I just wish it wasn't so easy and right to put them at fault.
I feel like I'm responsible, at least in part, for their happiness. I don't want to do anything to make them upset or angry. It sounds simple enough, but I'm becoming an adult. There are things that I want to do that they might not agree with, and unless we communicate to each other there's no way any sort of decision or compromise can be reached. However, I know how my parents work. I know that if we start talking about any sort of volatile issue, my dad will start to get loud, my mom will try to calm him down, and things just explode.
I've begun to suspect that my dad is treating life since mom's operation as a crisis situation. You know, in the movies or on TV, when something disastrous happens, the father has to "be strong" for his family, he has to take care of the kids and get things done so they can stay together. The same can be said of mothers, but when the crisis is/was my mom, you see how my father transitioned into this state. Not to mention the fact that he himself underwent surgery after I left for school as well. Times are stressful, and I fear that the stress is taking a major toll on both of my parents. My fear is causing me to get stressed about my own life, and I've lashed out at my father on several occasions since I've been home.
I just want everything to go back to normal...
I just want everything to go away...
I'd say that tour will solve everything, at least temporarily, but I know that that's unrealistic. Being on tour is its own special kind of stress, and I normally love the kind of stress that color guard brings. However, it's not going to mix well with the stress that I'm going to be carrying from home.
Paradoxically, this makes me even MORE stressed because now I'm worried about being worried on tour. It's a vicious cycle.
Carolina Crown is something that I've been looking forward to ever since last August, when me and pretty-much-best-friend-ever road tripped to Allentown to see both nights of DCI East. We had a blast, it was our first ever trip on our own, no parents. Everything went off without a hitch. It was pretty much one of the best times we'd ever had together. I promised myself that I'd be marching one of those corps the following summer, and I was able to make it happen.
I can't let myself get in the way of achieving what I've been working toward all year.
I have to be able to move past the stress, the worries, my parents, my sister...
I want my parents to be okay.
I want my sister to be okay.

I know that I can't control them. I know that I have to focus on the tasks at hand, and that doing my own thing and getting shxt done will make things easier on my parents. I just wish I could do something more.

I want to get out of my house. But I don't have that freedom. My parents want to know exactly where I'm going and why, and I haven't got the heart to lie to them as I leave them for another extended period of time. I want people to come see me, but I've got things to do and my parents are ever-quick to remind me of it.
I refuse to be another stress they have to worry about.
I just can't help but feel that no matter what I do, I'll always be a stress to them. They'll always worry. They'll always argue about what's best for me.
I don't want to be what comes between them.

For the first time since they separated (they've been back together since about Thanksgiving time), I'm so scared for them. Really, truly scared for their marriage and our family.

I guess I just have to keep moving on. I have my own things to do. They've been pretty supportive of my efforts so far. I can't do them wrong.

I love them.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night...
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see...
All your life...
You were only waiting...
For this moment to be free...

_~*and as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual*~_

[z^3]

While my guitar gently weeps

2009-05-07T21:15:00.001-04:00

So.
I'm done with my freshman year in college.
It's interesting how bittersweet this feels.
I finished my chemistry final around 5pm, checked my grades and saw that I have 2 posted: American Sign Language and Psychology.
ASL: A-
Psych: B+
GOD DAMN IT.
I mean...considering I'm at BU, getting these grades is pretty sweet. However, comma, I was a 92 on the final away from getting an A- in Psych as well. Unfortunately, I missed the mark by 10 points. Now I need to get 2 B+'s or a B and an A- in Chem and Writing...and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get an A- in Chem. Here's praying to the gods of curving and good grades.
Anyway...so that's the grade aspect of being DONE.

Now...crying.
Crying is something I rarely do, but frequently feel the need to do. I've been an emotional brick for as long as I can remember, and my cries have been few and far between. That being said, when I do start to sob, it's a hot tranny mess. It's a whole big production, with the tears and the snot and just lots and lots of leaking everywhere...not fun. But, even though crying in and of itself is not fun, it's necessary. It's cleansing, and it allows expression of every emotion you could possibly be feeling. I guess that's why I look for cries sometimes. I don't think I've cried since being at college, but there's definitely been times that I've come close.
Why can't I cry when I feel the need to? I don't know how or when I put up the barriers that are currently in place, but it's frustrating. It's even worse because when I can't cry, I almost want something cataclysmic to happen, if only to just bring on the tears so I can get them out. I can almost put it in the same category as people who hurt themselves on purpose. They need to feel the pain to release their own internal pain. While I'm by no means a cutter, I can see how their logic works.
What is it about now that makes me feel like crying? Well, I feel like these next few weeks are going to be an even bigger transition than it was even coming to college in the first place. I'll only be home for a week and change before I pack up and head to South Carolina for spring training and summer tour. I've never been on tour before, never even marched with a DCI corps before. I know that there's student leaders and staff members who will help me, and it's not like I'm without information. I'm just really scared because I don't want to be that boy. That boy who forgot to pack something important, that boy who made the corps late, that boy who doesn't know his drill.
Next, I'm going to be leaving behind people who I've been living and working with for almost a full year since I came to BU. It's going to be really hard to say goodbye to them, even if it's only for a summer. Not to mention the fact that I won't be able to see any of them, even the local ones, over the summer because of tour. Not that tour won't be amazing or anything!
I think even more scary than leaving people behind is living at home in NJ again. I love my family more than I'll ever admit, and I'm really truly excited to see them all again. However, they're fxcking oppressive. I was so excited to go to school away from home because I wouldn't have to justify every action I took to my parents. No more having to explain where I'm going, what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, and getting their approval before going down the block. I wanted to be free to be me, to take chances, meet new people, try new things...of course some of these people and things would be very objectionable to my parents, but not to me...and to be perfectly honest I'm no worse for the experiences and adventures I've taken in and around Boston. I just want my parents to trust that I can make safe decisions for myself, and that I choose to surround myself with people that I trust. I don't want to be on lockdown again.
Of course, there's still drama here that I have to deal with. Packing up my entire room is pretty fxcking daunting. Crazy friends are still crazy. I still have more roles and group dynamics than I can shake a stick at and sometimes its pretty confusing to figure out exactly what each individual friend needs at different points. Especially when some of them will have a psychotic episode at the drop of a fxcking hat. But I'll keep going because that's what I do best, at least for now. I'm not going to take back what I said earlier, that I surround myself with people that I trust. I have true friends and they'll never get less than my all from me.
A cry doesn't seem like a bad idea. I guess I just have no time for it. Every day is action-packed; there's always plenty of coming attractions to keep me busy, whether it's buying things, working on something, or even making more coming attractions for the next action-packed day. Who has time to enjoy a good sob-fest when you have to write a paper? book a flight? pack your stuff? help a friend through yet ANOTHER crisis? exist?

I don't know where, when, or why. But a cry is coming.
And it will feel amazing.

I'm going to miss Boston, and all the amazing friends that I've made in my freshman year here. I can't wait to come back and do it all over again, with more and different classes, more and better friends, more and more fun activities and events, and maybe a little more sanity thrown in there somewhere. All after a KICK-ASS tour with the Carolina Crown Drum and Bugle Corps.

I look at the world and see that it's turning
While my guitar gently weeps
With every mistake we must surely be learning
Still my guitar gently weeps
...
I look at you all...
See the love there that's sleeping...
Still...
My guitar gently weeps...

_~* and as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual*~_

[z^3]

Everybody knows you cried last night

2009-04-30T00:19:00.004-04:00

Before I delve into the meat and potatoes of this blog post, allow me to fulfill the promise I made last time:
I GOT A SPOT AT CAROLINA CROWN!!!
So I will in fact be going on tour this summer with one of the top World Class drum corps in Drum Corps International (DCI). Wicked excited, really nervous, cannot wait for move-ins!
If anyone is interested in coming to events this summer, go on ahead to www.dci.org for show information...also if anyone has an interest in sponsoring me (financial support), please feel free to contact me.

Now...on to the more serious business.

It's that time of the year again.

You all know what I'm talking about. It's spring, and everyone's hormone levels are higher than Bob Marley on 4/20. For some, this means relationships, some it means hook ups, some it means extra fun with the current significant other.

For me, it means that I'm on the outside looking in.
My two best friends are in a relationship with each other, and it's one of the sweetest things I've ever seen. I guess I'm a little biased considering I basically pushed them together, and we all have that part of us that loves to see our projects grow past what we originally thought was possible. The two of them are so happy together, and I can actually stand being around them when they're being a couple. It's definitely a thing to be admired.
This on its own would not be so hard to weather if it weren't for the other couple forming before my eyes. Some of you may remember T from my first blog post? Well, him and I have patched things up recently and we're both much better for it. Now, T found someone, an actual someone, who he can be intimate with. The good part is that I've never seen him so genuinely happy before, which means that he's not going to be falling into the dark abyss of despair anytime soon. But, this also means I have to deal with T and his new special friend, H, being special with each other in my face.
Now, this might seem hypocritical to some of you. Even as I wrote that sentence, it reminds me of those homophobes who say "I don't mind gays as long as they don't flaunt their sexuality." The thing is, I'm not upset that they're enjoying each other's company, I'm upset because I miss having someone like that.
The fact of the matter is, I've never had a boyfriend or significant other who was closer than 45 minutes from me. Don't bother berating me with the "Long distance never works" bullshit, I don't need to hear it. I know from experience that it's hard and it sucks, but I followed what my heart told me, and I don't really regret any of the three serious relationships that I've had (but #2 is rapidly approaching regret status).
I feel as if I've become the stereotypical gay man: loose, out for sex, at risk, no emotional connection, dramatic
That's not who I want to be.
I know that I can be compassionate and caring and enduring, and I've been able to accomplish that in some cases, but things just never seem to work out. Then I'm single again, and it's back to one night stands and hookups with random guys.
I don't want to live that dangerous life, dangerous physically and emotionally. Being detached only works as long as you're committed to the detachment, and I can't separate my head from my emotions long enough .
Seeing T and H together makes me feel really happy and at the same time really sad.
It makes me feel like I'll never be able to find something as purely simple and happy as they have together. It makes me feel like I'm cold, unfeeling, whorish almost. I feel like as time goes on, I've been getting hurt by guys more and more, and they've been because of dumb decisions that I've made. I know that I have control of what I do and who I do it with, but in the moment, I don't think. I act impulsively, and all I have to show for it is another notch on my belt and another dent in my conscience.
I'm doing it wrong.
I want to change my ways.
I can almost guarantee that I won't.

But.

Under the red light
Everybody knows I cried last night.*

_~*and as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual*~_

[z^3]

*assuming I actually can cry. I can be an emotional brick sometimes. Just a clarification.

Far beyond where the horizon lies

2009-04-22T22:38:00.003-04:00

"You're so organized."

It is shocking for me to hear these words directed at me. My friends will tell you, I am extremely messy and always put things off to the last minute. If you catch me on a good day I'll tell you that I believe in organized chaos, and that I work well under pressure. Both true statements, by the way. But, there's no denying that I am a lazy slob under most circumstances. It's a sad story.

"You're so organized."

On multiple, separate occasions, my floor-mates have walked into my room to me typing away furiously, and they've said this simple, respectful, baffling three-word phrase. To me. As they walk over piles of dirty laundry and old papers.

My floor-mates, stunningly enough, are under the assumption that I'm organized. Why?

Because I've taken to planning the next four years of my college career in multiple Excel spreadsheets.
If you think you've known stress, this is a whole 'nother country of stress.
Currently, my major is Science Education. Ever since I was accepted into BU, I knew that I was going to do a BUCOP (BU Co-Op Program), that means that I get a degree from two different colleges at BU. In my case, a BS in Biology Education from SED and some type of Biology degree from CAS. Now, herein lies the problem(s):
Deciding what biology major
Whether or not to add a minor
How to deal with overloading or summer classes
Where color guard fits into all of this

*cue Tevye (Fiddler on the Roof)* Sounds crazy, no?
Yes. It's crazy. It doesn't help that I need to run back and forth between CAS and SED getting signature upon signature. Not to mention the fact that the semester is ending in a week, and I still have to meet with the Biology department and my SED advisor to finalize my course list, all before Tuesday when I meet with the BUCOP coordinator for CAS and have her sign my completed BUCOP plan. It's a fxcking mess.
Originally, I planned on pursuing Biology with a specialization in Neuroscience. I love the brain, and if I could just take neruobiology courses forever I would. Unfortunately, the exceedingly large amount of coursework and the lack of compatibility with my Bio Ed major makes Bio w/ Neuro a very stressful and possibly expensive choice. The plain and simple Biology major is flexible enough for me to match up all the science requirements to the Bio Ed major. Also it's less coursework. I can still take courses in neurobiology (granted it's like, 2 courses, after my SED reqs and other specific classes swallow up the other 5 slots) and I may be able to take Gross Human Anatomy for credit! Gross is probably the hardest class at BU, and I've heard nothing but good things about it. So excited to work with cadavers!!!
So I'm leaning heavily to doing the tried-and-true Biology major. It's less coursework and more flexible than the Bio w/ Neuro.

Now, there are two minors which interest me at this point in time. One is Human Anatomy. However, after much deliberation, it seems like the whopping 5 courses in SAR are too much to tack on considering how late I would be starting the minor. The other, prettier, and much more fun option is a Dance minor. The dance minor is 20 credits, so it's equivalent to 5 classes, and I've already taken 2 credits toward it. The additional 18 come from classes in dance history, choreography, performance, 3 more technique classes, and 5 more elective credits, with a mind boggling array of options, including Martial Arts, Mind/Body (yoga), Kinesiology, Nutrition, the list goes on.

So, my personal favorite option is the Biology major with a Dance minor. The good news: it's achievable in 4 years. The bad news: I have to take 3 courses over the summer. The worse news: my parents are very adamant about paying for summer courses at BU, mostly because it would also involve housing, money for food, etc. The other option is to take the courses back home, but the problem with that plan is that BU is particularly anal retentive about the outside courses they will count for credit and the amount of credit they're willing to give. Even if I go home and take Intro to Philosophy, Sociology 101 and World Geography, which all have equivalent courses at BU, the credit system may not match up and BU could end up awarding me awkward amounts of credit, of which I'll have to somehow make up the deficit.
I'd like to be able to say that I've reached a decision about my college plan but I'm still facing obstacles both mental and physical. My parents remind me that I had planned on studying abroad at some point. Now it seems like my only option is Teaching Abroad, which I have no problem with. However, if I have to take an additional course in order to do my practicum in Sydney, then my plans are REALLY going to get screwed up.

Basically what this whole dissertation on college planning means is that I have ridiculous skill at planning for the long term. Not just with college, but with other things as well. I've planned trips on the road and in the air, for me, for friends and for my family. I have a mysterious ability to achieve extremely long term goals and lay out structured plans for their completion. This is oddly offset by my lack of short-term planning, i.e. procrastinating with schoolwork and forgetting to call my parents on a weekly-ish basis. Also, I'm stressed out of my fxcking mind.

It doesn't help that the last round of auditions for Carolina Crown are this weekend. In an email from the guard caption head, the staff will be "setting the guard on Sunday," which means that by Sunday, they will know who is going on tour with a spot, who is going as an alternate, and who is going home to watch from the stands. I am out of my MIND with anxiety. I want to do this more than almost anything...I don't even want to think about not making the cut.

And of course, finals are coming, blah blah blah. Every other college kid is complaining about final exams/projects/papers, I'm sure anything I say will be a reiteration of thousands of whiny adolescents bxtching about how their finals week is so much more hellish than anyone elses. Whatever. It's finals. It happens every semester. I'm kind of over it. I actually find the actual week of finals rather relaxing. You know exactly what you have to do, all you have to do is show up on time and do it. Kind of like being on tour, fnar fnar...

This might be the last blog post before I leave for camp...
So the next time I'm back online ranting I'll either be jumping for joy or sobbing my eyes out.
Let's pray its the former.

_~*and as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual*~_

[z^3]

I hope you dance

2009-04-20T00:24:00.004-04:00

Dancing is one of those few things in the world that can magnify someone's personality or change it all together. A shy person in real life might be a demon on the dancefloor, while someone who's outgoing might be petrified of the Chicken Dance; or, the shy person might retreat further into themselves, while the outgoing person will bust a move or moves the whole night.
This is a metaphor I'll hopefully be able to finagle into something meaningful by the end of this blog post. Let's see how things work out.
Tonight was the first annual SED Spring Fling.
I'm all for spring and fling, so when my fellow teaching-types invited me to go with them, I was all for it. It also seemed like a good way to get back together with the SED kids that I had been separated from for basically the whole year. By virtue of my major, I have to wait until next semester to take ED 100/101 Intro to Education. However, ALL of the other SED freshman have taken it already, so I had classes with none of them. I love being the ONLY Science Education major in my class.
Anyway. Tonight was the dance. We all got spruced up and stuff, and, looking very spiffy IMO, went to Bertuccis for dinner. After a lovely Italian dinner we headed over to Hillel house for the party.
Now, SED is a small school, so we didn't exactly expect the house to be a-rockin. But, even given the tragically finite size of our population, the crowd was definitely less than spectacular. But, I knew a lot of the freshman who were there and it was really nice to see them all in the same place again. Even if some of them were more wasted than a leprechaun on St. Patrick's Day. But I digress. Hoping that the dancing portion would make my $10 ticket worth it, my friends and I hit the dance floor. The result was...dissatisfying. The music itself was pretty good, but the DJ was terrible and didn't know how to cross-fade or put music in a good order to dance to. This resulted in a lot of getting on and off the dance floor for BS music choices.
I even surprised myself with the amount of times I pulled out the Judgement Face. I am not ashamed to admit that I judged the DJ and the party. A lot.
So that was basically the climate of the evening.
Now, I have a small bit of a crush on one of the guys in SED. We'll call him G. I've followed his Facebook, we've talked on AIM for a grand total of maybe 5-10 minutes, we're not exactly "friends." But, I still want to get closer to him and see what happens. Me, being the wuss that I am, follwed G with my eyes for pretty much the entire night. Never even said "Hi" to him. My excuses? "Oh he's with his friends." "Oh he's sitting down." "Oh it's awkward because I don't know if he knows I'm gay or if he's really out..." So I basically shot myself in the foot with that thing. The worst part of it is, I felt worse and worse about it as the night progressed. I started inventing reasons for why it was a good thing that I hadn't spoken to him, and that I should just wait until next semester anyway.
I can't live with that.
I want to either get over it, or make a move.
I want to compare it to my non-SED friend and his girlfriend who came to the dance with us. They're both really close friends of mine, and I was glad that they came. The guy is kind of quiet, and dancing is definitely not his thing. I knew that his girlfriend would want to dance at least a little bit, so before we even left the dorm I mentioned to him that he should dance at least a little bit at the party. We went back and forth the whole night, about how awkward he is, about how he doesn't know how to dance, about how it comes naturally to me and not to him, etc. But, less than an hour into us being at the party, he came onto the dance floor and danced with his girlfriend for a little while. Honestly, he didn't look half bad. He maintains that he was miserable the whole time, but after we sat down for a little bit, we all went back out onto the dance floor and he danced with her again.
If he had never pushed for something that he wanted, he never would have had the experience of finally dancing with his girlfriend.
If I had actually tried talking to G and made an effort to make a connection, maybe I'd have a new friend to talk to, maybe more, maybe nothing at all. But at least I would have tried, right? I would have taken a risk and obtained a new experience.
That's why I got in a slump at the dance, because I didn't allow myself to try.
Yoda says, "Try? There is no try. There is only do." Or something to that effect, I'm not sure of the exact quote. If I had DONE something, I would have a new life experience, a new memory, maybe many more future memories.
One of my favorite people in the world always reminded me: "If you want something bad enough, you'll make it happen."
Tonight, I guess I didn't want it bad enough. Maybe, in the future, with someone else, in a different time and place, I will want it bad enough. All I can do is hope that it's worth it.
And, if it isn't, I hope I have the necessary things in place to continue on, moving towards bigger and better things.
If I get the choice to sit it out or dance,
I hope I dance.

_~* and as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual *~_

[z^3]

On the willows

2009-04-18T00:21:00.002-04:00

First blog post...we'll see how things go.

This week has been hellish in several different ways.

Firstly: schoolwork.

I know I'm not special, and that everyone and their grandmother is dealing with this because it's the end of the semester. But there is SO much that is due!!! It's slightly ridiculous. I'm mystified by my level of productivity, but baffled by the sheer amount of shxt that remains to be done!
Just to put the cherry on it, I have to AT LEAST maintain my current GPA in order for me to stay at BU next year. And my parents are really fxcking quick to remind me of that. It doesn't exactly make me feel good when I get excited about having a high B/B+ in Psychology and Writing, and a potential B+/A- in Chemistry and ASL, and all my parents can say is "You know that's not good enough! You need to be getting A's to keep up your GPA!" Really mom and dad? I didn't know that all the effort I've been putting in and doing my best all of a sudden has no meaning when the numbers don't run the right way.

Nextly: color guard.

Unfortunately, since my teaching carreer is over (for now), I no longer have a gym to practice in Tuesday, Thursday and Saturdays. I have to make due with the guard clinic "every" Monday night. The gratuitious use of sarcastic air-quotes is very important because by "every," I mean whenever blondie decides it's worth it. Couple that with the fact that I didn't recieve my technique videos until about 2 weeks ago and that gives me one gym-day to learn my flag and rifle exercises. Luckily for me I own my own rifle so I could practice in my room when the roomie was at class, and I could use the gym time for flag. Of course, the one day we actually had clinic she decided she was going to teach a little ditty for anyone who was going to be here during the summer to use for recruitment. TOO BAD NOBODY WHO WAS AT CLINIC WILL BE THERE. Fortunately, it ended quicky and I was able to learn the flag technique through video. Now all I have to worry about is the sabre technique which has not been posted yet, and the fact that I have camp in about 6 days. Oh joy.

Finally, and probably the most wordily: dramatics.

I'm not even sure where I can begin with this story. I've dealt with some very interesting characters in my history and this saga is by far the most convoluted and dramatic. It all starts with a quiet boy from Connecticut, lets call him T. T is extremely shy, and I had seen him sitting by himself in the dining hall for almost the entire first semester. I decided to introduce myself to him, and a friendship sprang up almost instantaneously. We're both violently passionate about marching band and came from very strong programs in high school, both gay, both scientifically inclined. I was still with my then-boyfriend, so there was no real chance of a relationship, although I admit there was a small attraction. Anyway, winter break comes along, and we talked constantly, almost more with him than my boyfriend (to be perfectly honest, that wasn't a reflection on my dedication to my boyfriend, it just happens that he was nocturnal and our sleep schedules weren't the most conducive to prolonged conversation). Following winter break, my boyfriend and I ended up separating, and T and i began talking even more. One night, I ended up spending the night in his room and we hooked up. I was T's first kiss, his first experience with a boy. Nothing major happened aside from us being in the same bed and making out (that's all the detail you're getting, so deal with it). This happened again on another separate occatsion a week or two after the first time. After the second time, we had a talk about our feelings for each other, and most importantly, how I was not looking for a relationship so quickly after my most recent ex and I apologized for any damage I may inadvertently have caused. I wanted to make sure that we could discuss any complications that would arise and that I was, again, deeply sorry that there were mixed messages and miscommunications between the physical and emotional elements of our relationship. I'm remiss in mentioning several key facts about T: he is OBSESSED with the Star Trek universe, specifically Star Trek: Voyager, he also experiences long bouts of depression coupled with continuously low self esteem, as well as a fixation on his high school years. Throwing all of these together results in a severely fatalist attitude towards life, as well as a ridiculous moral compass. T believes that he is enlightened through Star Trek and that the rest of humankind is too morally corrupt and ignorant to understand his mental processes and emotional states. Bearing this in mind, lets examine dramatic event #1. T is experiencing issues with a particular boy from back home. This boy is extremely immoral to the point of whorishness, and basically wants to get in T's pants as well. T is distressed by the boy's lack of moral direction and is flustered when the boy reaches out to T through the internet or texts. As T was complaining about this boy and his situation, I proposed that if he was stressing out this much over the boy, he should delete the boy from his phone and block him so as to remove the negative stimuli and promote T's mental health. T believed my advice to be uncompassionate, something he believed himself incapable of. T says that he must show compassion to all humans because how else are we to progress? I respond that the boy he's trying to show compassion for obviously doesn't care, and that T needs to take a stand for his own sanity regardless of how he thinks the boy will take it. T thinks that my advice is cold and against his moral standard. Now, you have to understand that I've been hearing this same argument over and over again for different issues in the past. I begin to go on a tirade, that T is incapable of moving forward, that he's afraid of the unknown, that he complains constantly about his lack of a love life and humanity's lack of...well...lots of things...yet he does nothing to better his situation in any way. His friend who happens to be in the room with us agrees that T needs to take a stand in his own life and not let it pass him by. T is unyielding. I decide to leave the room because the drama is beginning to give me a headache. I go to my room and get on my computer. A few minutes later I receive an IM from T reading "i hope you're happy." Perplexed, I finished the lyric from Defying Gravity and ended with a question mark. It turns out that T did end up taking my advice and got rid of the boy. I would consider this a step in the right direction, but T had other plans. T blamed me for compromising his morals, insisting that I was trying to break him down. We go back and forth for a while, and eventually stop talking. We don't speak for almost a week because he's pissed off about TAKING MY ADVICE. He actually deletes me from his friends list because he's "following my logic." The key word here is petty. About a week goes by, and I tell my friends about the dilemma, most of them agree that what I did and said was the right thing. T and I begin talking again, still sore from our last spat, but nothing disastrous appears to be on the horizon. Of course, after almost a week of normalcy, T and I get in another silly argument because I refuse to explain my status (I was really in a bad mood...you'd think after someone responding with "don't worry about it" twice and then ignoring your subsequent IM's you'd get the point that they don't want to talk). Cue dramatic event #2. He then proceeds to tell me that he hates me, and lists the reasons why. He sees me as "shallow, selfish, dispassionate." He tells me that he thinks I'm a whore and that I set out to hurt people's feelings. He sees me as chaotic, a person who takes unnecessary risks. The fact that I defy logic and convention is extremely distressing to him, apparently. As is the fact that I am a big fan of brutal honesty (because nobody tells the truth nowadays). I ask him for examples of these traits, outside of the personal catastrophe we had. He can provide none. I remind him that I apologized profusely for our hooking up (because I was/am the more experienced person) and tried to open lines of communications if he ever felt upset about what happened. He says that it wasn't enough. I remind him that although I do engage in hookups, I have self-control and discretion, and I'm always safe. He says that once was enough, that I've defined myself as a loose gay. He explains that he feels so strongly about my decision making (basically) because he cares "too much" about his friends and that his Star Trek morals don't allow for transgressions. In T's own words: "And at times, yes, I do think I'm more enlightened than the entire planet." It was at this point I typed "brb" and dropped the convo like it was hot. T and I have not spoken since.

I have to ask you...

Was what I did wrong? I know that it's impossible to change people, but giving advice is something friends do, right? I admit that I wanted to help T move past high school and embrace college, get out and try new things, make these next 4 years his own. Maybe I was trying to change him too much? I know that he was trying to change me and my way of thinking, he admitted it: "I want to be your friend because I want to help you," and "Whenever I see someone I know doing something potentially dangerous, I have the uncontrollable urge to change that and protect them." T believes that he's being condemned for good intentions, and I agree. But, as the old adage goes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. The logic behind him hating me disintegrates into "I'm right and you're wrong," "You hurt my feelings, therefore you're evil," and "You either subscribe fully to my philosophy or you're just another sentient meatbag."At least that's the way that I understand it. I asked for concrete examples, I got filibustering.

I'm just waiting for this semester to be over. Once all this schoolwork is done, I'll be back at home for about 2 weeks and then it's the tour life for me. At least until August. Cannot wait to leave everything behind and only have to worry about drum corps.

_~* and as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual *~_

[z^3]