Quite a bit has happened since I last rambled my way along this particular stretch of the Blogosphere...I've lost a friend, gained new ones...I've become a leader, and part of things bigger than myself.
Needless to say I've been pretty fxcking busy.
Classes are...a lot. Honestly I've been doing pretty well except for Biochem, completely bombed the first midterm...so sad. But my curved 99% in Intensive Cell Bio makes me feel better about everything grade-related. I love my Intro to Education class, even though it takes up most of my Wednesdays and I'm completely exhausted by the end of the day. So worth it to learn how to teach :)
Color guard has been lots of fun. I got a spot in a World Class team for the 2010 season, cannot wait to start learning show! Finally spinning rifle as well, wicked excited. Of course it's a huge time sink, my weekends are completely shot from Oct. 31 to April 8ish but is anything worthwhile not time consuming? Also it will be great to see all my friends from Crown at WGI in Dayton!
So...yeah.
There was the unfortunate event of losing a friend last month, not to death or some illness or moving away. Just, lost. No longer friends. It's sad, and it's sad that it still bothers me. There's the idea that he obviously doesn't want to be associated with me, as evidenced by us not talking and his dedicated avoidance of me at all costs, so I should move on as well. But I have a very hard time with that. I don't think I should just let go. We had some great times together, we also fought a lot. But I felt like I was making a difference, like we were growing from our interactions with each other, as crazy, messed up, geeky, contrived, stupid, emotional and outlandish as they were. He really did mean something to me as a friend. He held me to a higher standard than a lot of my friends do, a standard I frequently missed and was very quickly and clearly reminded of by him. I pushed him as well, to be socially active, to make mistakes, to try new things that might turn out bad but won't be permanently damaging...basically live life outside of the internet or television. I'm sure this makes me sound self-righteous and makes him sound in the wrong...but I'm never sure who was trying to rescue who and if it was really worth it. Is rescuing even supposed to be a goal of friendship? Trying to change someone is never really a good plan, so how could that be the intent of befriending someone? People do change over time through their interactions with other people and their environment. Maybe he knew this. Maybe he didn't want to risk changing, and put new people and new environments far away. Who needs those things? They're only going to change me in ways I might not enjoy...I guess I like the idea of change, of growth. I want to teach, my job will be expanding minds, or at least I'd like to think of it like that. Did I want to teach him something? Maybe. Was that my goal? It could have been. I'd like to think that my goal was to be his friend.
I recently started an Interest Group for a fraternity. I'm trying to start a chapter. I was stunned that a group actually came together. I'm still stunned that I'm in a leadership role. It's crazy, it makes me lose sleep, but it could be such a positive thing for these guys, for future guys, for the whole campus.
Only thing is, the group has already started drama. I don't know what to do. I'm a part of it (the drama), but I'm the leader. How do I handle myself? It's not an official chapter, I can't "pull rank" and remove myself from situations that might compromise my "authority" or "objectivity." I just happen to be the guy who sends out emails and tries to keep in touch with the National Organization. I need to keep control somehow, but how can I control something that's inherently unorganized, just a social group that will eventually move forward into Greek life? And if I lose the respect of these guys, what happens? I get replaced? That wouldn't be a terrible thing. But if the group falls apart without even taking one step forward? I'd never forgive myself. I need to figure myself out, or cut some parts of me off.
There's no way I can tell the full story of the drama without incriminating both myself and the parties involved. Also there are a few distinct stories that have to be told all together so that the full breadth of my insanity can truly be comprehended. There's no way anyone could stand reading them all in one blog post. Maybe you'll have to ask me in person one day, and I can TRY to explain it to you. Suffice it to say, what a tangled web we weave.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I need a pause button. It's not that there aren't positive things going on in my life, there's plenty. I love school, I love teaching, I love color guard, I love my friends, I love the Interest Group. There's just things that keep getting in the way, physically, emotionally, mentally...I want to solve them but there's no way I can, at least as expediently and thoroughly as I want to. I wish I could tag someone else, or delegate little [z^3]-clones to figure things out on their own and report back to me, but obviously I can't. I love the world, I love living in it. I just wish there was enough time to be left alone once in a while...to float freely without a care in the world...to be kept without chains.
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.
I live here on my knees as I
Try to make you see that you're
Everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down...
_~*and as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual*~_
[z^3]
