All my fragile strength is gone

I feel like this post is going to become more of a rant than anything else. It's been a long time since I've updated; some reasons are legitimate, most others are just the same laziness that taints my drive to do schoolwork and ability to keep in touch with my parents.
Quite a bit has happened since I last rambled my way along this particular stretch of the Blogosphere...I've lost a friend, gained new ones...I've become a leader, and part of things bigger than myself.
Needless to say I've been pretty fxcking busy.
Classes are...a lot. Honestly I've been doing pretty well except for Biochem, completely bombed the first midterm...so sad. But my curved 99% in Intensive Cell Bio makes me feel better about everything grade-related. I love my Intro to Education class, even though it takes up most of my Wednesdays and I'm completely exhausted by the end of the day. So worth it to learn how to teach :)
Color guard has been lots of fun. I got a spot in a World Class team for the 2010 season, cannot wait to start learning show! Finally spinning rifle as well, wicked excited. Of course it's a huge time sink, my weekends are completely shot from Oct. 31 to April 8ish but is anything worthwhile not time consuming? Also it will be great to see all my friends from Crown at WGI in Dayton!
So...yeah.
There was the unfortunate event of losing a friend last month, not to death or some illness or moving away. Just, lost. No longer friends. It's sad, and it's sad that it still bothers me. There's the idea that he obviously doesn't want to be associated with me, as evidenced by us not talking and his dedicated avoidance of me at all costs, so I should move on as well. But I have a very hard time with that. I don't think I should just let go. We had some great times together, we also fought a lot. But I felt like I was making a difference, like we were growing from our interactions with each other, as crazy, messed up, geeky, contrived, stupid, emotional and outlandish as they were. He really did mean something to me as a friend. He held me to a higher standard than a lot of my friends do, a standard I frequently missed and was very quickly and clearly reminded of by him. I pushed him as well, to be socially active, to make mistakes, to try new things that might turn out bad but won't be permanently damaging...basically live life outside of the internet or television. I'm sure this makes me sound self-righteous and makes him sound in the wrong...but I'm never sure who was trying to rescue who and if it was really worth it. Is rescuing even supposed to be a goal of friendship? Trying to change someone is never really a good plan, so how could that be the intent of befriending someone? People do change over time through their interactions with other people and their environment. Maybe he knew this. Maybe he didn't want to risk changing, and put new people and new environments far away. Who needs those things? They're only going to change me in ways I might not enjoy...I guess I like the idea of change, of growth. I want to teach, my job will be expanding minds, or at least I'd like to think of it like that. Did I want to teach him something? Maybe. Was that my goal? It could have been. I'd like to think that my goal was to be his friend.
I recently started an Interest Group for a fraternity. I'm trying to start a chapter. I was stunned that a group actually came together. I'm still stunned that I'm in a leadership role. It's crazy, it makes me lose sleep, but it could be such a positive thing for these guys, for future guys, for the whole campus.
Only thing is, the group has already started drama. I don't know what to do. I'm a part of it (the drama), but I'm the leader. How do I handle myself? It's not an official chapter, I can't "pull rank" and remove myself from situations that might compromise my "authority" or "objectivity." I just happen to be the guy who sends out emails and tries to keep in touch with the National Organization. I need to keep control somehow, but how can I control something that's inherently unorganized, just a social group that will eventually move forward into Greek life? And if I lose the respect of these guys, what happens? I get replaced? That wouldn't be a terrible thing. But if the group falls apart without even taking one step forward? I'd never forgive myself. I need to figure myself out, or cut some parts of me off.
There's no way I can tell the full story of the drama without incriminating both myself and the parties involved. Also there are a few distinct stories that have to be told all together so that the full breadth of my insanity can truly be comprehended. There's no way anyone could stand reading them all in one blog post. Maybe you'll have to ask me in person one day, and I can TRY to explain it to you. Suffice it to say, what a tangled web we weave.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I need a pause button. It's not that there aren't positive things going on in my life, there's plenty. I love school, I love teaching, I love color guard, I love my friends, I love the Interest Group. There's just things that keep getting in the way, physically, emotionally, mentally...I want to solve them but there's no way I can, at least as expediently and thoroughly as I want to. I wish I could tag someone else, or delegate little [z^3]-clones to figure things out on their own and report back to me, but obviously I can't. I love the world, I love living in it. I just wish there was enough time to be left alone once in a while...to float freely without a care in the world...to be kept without chains.

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I
Try to make you see that you're
Everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down...

_~*and as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual*~_

[z^3]

you can't beat that

so i don't really have much to say today...
i've recently learned a lot about living with and on the internet. some of it was hard, some was from friends, some from people i wish i could talk to more, some from people i really don't want to talk to ever.
the important thing, at least what i feel was important, was persevering. i know it wasn't some catastrophe, like the anniversary we remember today...but it felt real, present, almost dangerous at times. i was worried, scared for my reputation, that people might change what they think of me. i can't lie and say that i've completely moved on and i'm not even phased. but there's been some growing over the course of this week. i hope it stays, i hope to keep growing and learning about life, about people, about me. i hope that i recognize the people and things allowing me to grow, and that i accept them freely and openly. it's all part of the biography, it all matters.
anyway...
i finally found the full transcript of this monologue, it's from The Daily Show with Jon Stewart on September 20, 2001. it was the episode aired following the 9/11 attacks. some of you may know it, or have heard bits and pieces of it. it means a lot to me, especially being able to finally read all of it, and i hope it strikes something in you as well. enjoy...

September 20, 2001

With Jon Stewart

Good evening and welcome to the Daily Show. We are back. This is our first show since the tragedy in New York City and there is really no other way to start the show then to ask you at home the question that we asked the audience here tonight and that we’ve asked everybody we know here in New York since September 11, and that is, "Are you okay?" And we pray that you are and that your family is.

I'm sorry to do this to you. It's another entertainment show beginning with an overwrought speech of a shaken host--and television is nothing if not redundant. So I apologize for that. Its something that, unfortunately, we do for ourselves so that we can drain whatever abscess is in our hearts and move on to the business of making you laugh, which we haven’t been able to do very effectively lately. Everyone has checked in already. I know we are late. I’m sure we are getting in just under the wire before the cast of Survivor offers their insight into what to do in these situations. They said to get back to work. There were no jobs open for a man in the fetal position under his desk crying. . . which I gladly would have taken. So I come back here and tonight’s show is not obviously a regular show. We looked through the vault and found some clips that we think will make you smile, which is really what’s necessary, I think, right about now.

A lot of folks have asked me, "What are you going to do when you get back? What are you going to say? I mean, jeez, what a terrible thing to have to do." And you know, I don’t see it as a burden at all. I see it as a privilege. I see it as a privilege and everyone here does. The show in general we feel like is a privilege. Even the idea that we can sit in the back of the country and make wise cracks. . . which is really what we do. We sit in the back and throw spitballs--but never forgetting that it is a luxury in this country that allows us to do that. That is, a country that allows for open satire, and I know that sounds basic and it sounds like it goes without saying. But that’s really what this whole situation is about. It’s the difference between closed and open. The difference between free and. . . burdened. And we don’t take that for granted here, by any stretch of the imagination. And our show has changed. I don’t doubt that. And what it has become I don’t know. "Subliminible" is not a punchline anymore. Someday it will become that again, Lord willing it will become that again, because it means that we have ridden out the storm.

The main reason that I wanted to speak tonight is not to tell you what the show is going to be, not to tell you about all the incredibly brave people that are here in New York and in Washington and around the country, but we’ve had an unenduring pain, an unendurable pain and I just. . . I just wanted to tell you why I grieve--but why I don’t despair. (choking back tears) I’m sorry. . . (chuckles slightly) luckily we can edit this. . . (beats lightly on his desk, collects himself).

One of my first memories was of Martin Luther King being shot. I was five and if you wonder if this feeling will pass. . . (choked up). . . When I was five and he was shot, this is what I remember about it. I was in school in Trenton and they turned the lights off and we got to sit under our desks. . . and that was really cool. And they gave us cottage cheese, which was a cold lunch because there were riots, but we didn’t know that. We just thought, "My God! We get to sit under our desks and eat cottage cheese!" And that’s what I remember about it. And that was a tremendous test of this country's fabric and this country has had many tests before that and after that.

The reason I don’t despair is that. . . this attack happened. It's not a dream. But the aftermath of it, the recovery, is a dream realized. And that is Martin Luther King's dream.

Whatever barriers we put up are gone. Even if it's just momentary. We are judging people by not the color of their skin, but the content of their character. (pause) You know, all this talk about "These guys are criminal masterminds. They got together and their extraordinary guile and their wit and their skill. . ." It's all a lie. Any fool can blow something up. Any fool can destroy. But to see these guys, these firefighters and these policemen and people from all over the country, literally with buckets, rebuilding. . . that’s extraordinary. And that's why we have already won. . . they can't. . . it's light. It's democracy. They can't shut that down.

They live in chaos. And chaos, it can't sustain itself--it never could. It's too easy and it's too unsatisfying. The view. . . from my apartment. . . (choking up) was the World Trade Center. . .

Now it's gone. They attacked it. This symbol of...of American ingenuity and strength...and labor and imagination and commerce and it's gone. But you know what the view is now? The Statue of Liberty...the view from the south of Manhattan is the Statue of Liberty...

You can’t beat that. . .

for all those touched by the tragic events of 9/11...
those who died
those who were injured, body, mind or spirit
those who watched as the towers burned
those who fought against the hijackers
those who saved countless people
those who work hard to rebuild
those who want to forget
those who will never forget
those who keep moving on...

With the stillness of the night
there comes a time to understand
to reach out and touch tomorrow
take the future in our hand

We can see a new horizon
built on all that we have done
and our dreams begin another
thousand circles 'round the sun

We go on
to the joy and through the tears

We go on
to discover new frontiers

Moving on
with the current of the years

We go on
moving forward, now as one

Moving on
with a spirit born to run

Ever on
with each rising sun

To a new day
We go on

_~* and as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual *~_

[z^3]

I'd never want to see you unhappy

This blog has been a long time coming, so bear with me.
Today, I met up with a bunch of my good friends and co-workers from last winter for dinner in Boston. We had such a good time. The food was great (and cheap!), we went for ice cream afterwards (minus one of us), it was just a really nice reunion.
However.
Now I'm sitting here in my dorm, feeling like shit, feeling like I want to scream, feeling like injuring myself or someone else or something.
It's because of S, my ex-boyfriend who was with us at dinner.
It's not like he's trying to make me feel this way. We actually had a very civil breakup after three months (the relationship, the distance, his job and teaching was causing him lots of stress, he didn't want to be unfair to me by not being all he could for me, it was a mutual decision). and continued to teach together after that. I saw him on tour this summer with his new boyfriend and, again, we talked and hung out and everything was sunshine and rainbows and flowers.
After tour, I was back in NJ, and a bunch of my high school friends went out to the movies together. Afterwards, we went to a 24-hour diner (it was 2am, and sidenote: why can't there be 24-hour diners everywhere? They are AWESOME) and ate and talked a while. During that time, my good friend who is the boyfriend of one of my co-workers said that S had contacted his girlfriend, J, recently. They were talking about the fall season (that I'm not teaching) and the upcoming winter (that I hopefully am teaching) and the normal BS. Four hours after this conversation, S calls her back because something slipped his mind earlier. He forgot to mention that after the winter season, he's planning on moving to Portland, Oregon to live with the love of his life, the boy he met on tour, and he's leaving J to be in charge of the color guard.
What. The. Fxck.
I was in a state of shock. Later that night I called up the girlfriend and we talked about what I had just heard. Neither of us had words to describe how stupefied we were. Many talks about this ensued over the weeks leading up to tonight's get-together.
S's plans were discussed briefly over dinner.
It took me so much concentration to not completely rage all over him for the duration of the meal. Fortunately I was not alone, as the winter director (who is due to deliver a baby girl in about 10 days) was also about to punch S in the throat.
I'm going through this whole "set the scene" rigmarole to offer the best chance for the reader to understand where I'm coming from when I begin to rant, which will be in about five seconds.
Let me say some things about S before I actually begin. Firstly, he is a very sweet individual, not a bad person at all. Second, S is not in school, nor has he completed any education past high school. Next, S is a temp. Last, he lives with his mother in assisted housing and they share a car.
Now.

What the fxck is he thinking? I don't understand the logic, the decision-making process he used to decide to move across the entire country for this boyfriend of his. How can you know that you're ready to live with someone you've only known for a shade over three months? Don't give me any of that "love at first sight" bullshit, that doesn't exist. Not to mention the fact that the boy in question is already living with someone else! S expects that either Sleepless-in-Portland (S's bf) will kick out whats-his-face and let S move in, or S will get an apartment and wait for Sleepless-in-Portland to figure shxt out. Only problem with that is, it's fxcking PORTLAND. This isn't 1950, you can't just waltz into a major city and pick out an apartment you want to live in. Not only that, S is a temp with no college education. What job are you going to get with those credentials that will even allow you to support yourself, let alone find your own apartment in the city? It's not like S-i-P is a billionaire heir or something, he's working a regular day job probably not unlike S, so who does S expect to help him figure out his new life on the West Coast? Speaking of new lives, S isn't the only person he's effecting by moving 3,000 miles away. First and probably the most important person affected: Mommy dearest. Momma S has been in and out of employment since S and I first met, and she's been holding down her current job for a few months. But again, she's not earning a salary, she's getting an hourly wage, which, even with her and S put together, still had a hard time making ends meet. Without S at home, what is she going to do? Spend months looking for a second job? Possibly not find one and risk her home, her security? Other people affected: Triton staff, namely J. J and I both relied on S not only to direct the guard, but also to get us to and from rehearsals during the week. Without him there, not only does J have to become the director, we have no way to get to rehearsals. J also lives in California when she's not here at BU. How is she going to teach band camp or write a show from Cali? Logistics are not favorable, folks. I'm personally affected because this makes me feel like S is a worthless, unstable piece of shxt. How is our relationship "too stressful" when I live 45 mins away, and now you're willing to move across the country for someone you've known for basically the same amount of time and now won't see for basically a year? Until you pack up what little life you have and spend money you don't have to live there? How should I feel?
Fxck my emotional mess, I know I just have to figure that out myself.
However, comma, there's still the arbitrary silliness that is this whole "Mr. S goes to Portland" catastrophe.
Should I be angry? I certainly think so. I feel betrayed, not just on the emotional level of ex-boyfriend, current friend stuff. I feel betrayed on a basic trust level, on a respect-for-your-coworkers level. How could he not tell me something like this directly? How dare he let me find out not even from one of my coworkers, but her boyfriend? I thought we were friends, that we had been able to move past the potential awkwardness of a breakup.
Should I communicate my feelings to S? I think so as well. This decision isn't just affecting me, it affects everyone in his life. Does he know that? I'm not even sure. His reasoning comes across as immature and selfish, only looking out for his happiness, not even considering what it means for the rest of the people in his life. I wanted to say something to him tonight, but I knew that if I started it would end up looking something like this, but probably with more swears and A LOT louder and accusatory.
I just don't know what to do. I'm going to try to get S to come by so we can have a private sit-down and talk face to face, but I don't know if that's going to happen. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to injure something or someone, I need some sort of release. Obviously I can't do any of these things with S in front of me (maybe the scream part). But even if S does come in and we chat, is it even worth it? How can I expect him to listen to me? It will be all too easy for him to write off my arguments as me not wanting him to be happy, or me being jealous of his current relationship, or me taking things out of proportion, or me wanting him back. I've gone over it in my head before. But I have to get it off of my chest. I want him to hear what I have to say.
I don't want S to ruin his life.
What happens if things don't go according to his plans? If he gets kicked out on the streets of Portland, no job, no money, no place to stay? He has the potential to fall and fall HARD. I'd hate to get a call in the middle of the night from him, telling me that he has no place to go. I don't even want to think about it, but he HAS to think about it. He needs to know the risks that he's taking, the people he's hurting. He has to weigh out the benefits versus the costs, and if it's really worth it. Only he can make that decision.
I don't want him to go. Not for my sake, but for his.
If he goes out there...
I...we...might never see him again.
I don't want to have to say goodbye...forever.

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

_~*and as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual*~_

[z^3]

like a runaway train

wow it's been a while...
well i was on tour this summer. that was an experience.
i could blog on and on about all the interesting things that happened and how amazing and incredible this summer was (because it was)...but i have a journal for that. and friends i can tell in person and on the phone and through IM's and blah blah blah...
anyway.

i got back home from indianapolis with my family on the night of august 10 and have been in NJ with them ever since.

i'm. going. to. explode.

i don't know what it is about being back at home that makes me want to injure small animals. i love my family, i really do...not just saying that to make myself believe it (hopefully). they just won't leave me alone.

i was fortunate enough to land a job teaching my friend's band camp up in northern NJ for a week...that was fun, i made some friends, earned some money...of course there was paperwork to fill out, including 2 forms that had to be notarized. i also have to get my fingerprint taken by this agency and bring back a receipt that i actually had it done. my appointment is on wednesday. i leave on friday. so on thursday i get to return all my paperwork. somehow, by there being only 4 days for me to pack up my life, my parents decide to just blow up.

all of a sudden my dad is ranting and raving about how i haven't managed my time well and yelling at my mom because she's not letting him speak and how i have no time and i'm yelling back and...
disaster.

i just can't deal with it.
i mean everything is pretty much okay now...
it's just like...i don't know...every now and then there will just be this outbreak of people screaming at each other for no apparent reason.

it's not fun.

and still, my parents WONDER why i can't wait to go back to boston, why i try so hard to find my friends and make plans while i'm still in NJ, why i want to go back and march Carolina Crown next summer too...and the summer after that, my last summer of drum corps.

i know that it's bad to run away from your problems, but this is stuff that i can't solve. there's nothing in my power that i can do to fix my parents' relationship. what am i supposed to do?

i'm sure i could just shut up and do what they say, but that's not the point. i've been working on getting stuff ready for school, doing laundry, getting stuff done. but, without fail, every time i walk out of my room or come back from being out somewhere, the world collapses and i have to do all these different things in the next five minutes or my dad will explode or my mom will start nagging at my sister and i... it's just a vicious cycle.

i could be blowing all of this out of proportion. i mean, hey, some kids don't even have two parents living together...some kids don't even have one parent. who am i to complain that my parents relationship sucks? at least my parents are alive and together right?

and college...so many kids don't even get to college, let alone an amazing one like BU...how dare i complain about having so much to do while i'm there?

drum corps? winter guard? some people don't even know what that is...and i'm moaning about how hard it is to make time and money to march...

i don't know. i hate being that person who bitches and moans about every little thing that doesn't go perfectly in their little life plans...

i just feel like i'm trying so hard, i have the means, the opportunity, and then stupid shit like my parents arguing with me or each other screws everything up. what can i do?

i just want my dorm and my university and my city...
i just want to be left alone, to live life on my terms...at least for a semester or two (or six)

3 days until boston...
i know my family is going to miss me
not sure how much i'm going to miss them

but i do love them

i know i do

i know...

i...

do?

There was no party, there were no songs
'Cause today's just a day like the day that he started
No one is left here that knows his first name
And life barrels on like a runaway train
Where the passengers change
They don't change anything
You get off; someone else can get on
And I'm sorry, Mr. Jones
It's time
Streetlight shines through the shades
Casting lines on the floor, and lines on his face
He reflects on the day
Fred gets his paints out and goes to the basement
Projecting some slides onto a plain white
Canvas and traces it
Fills in the spaces
He turns off the slides, and it doesn't look right
Yeah, and all of these bastards
Have taken his place
He's forgotten but not yet gone
And I'm sorry, Mr. Jones
And I'm sorry, Mr. Jones
And I'm sorry, Mr. Jones
It's time...

_~* and as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual *~_

[z^3]

Take these sunken eyes

It's been a (relatively) long time.
I feel remiss for not updating this garden more often...
My deepest apologies to all three of you who actually read this poor, dry plot of weeds.
Anyway.
I'm just about halfway through the first portion of my summer, pre-Carolina Crown. I feel like the past 7-8 days have been...well...not wasteful, just not as productive as I'd have liked them to be. Don't get me wrong, I've been more than grateful to see my family again, and being able to see the youngins still in high school is awesome, and my teachers were happy to see me. I saw DCI Countdown at Clifton Commons with pretty much my best friend ever, and now he might be marching this summer as well! Then we saw X-Men Origins: Wolverine the other night, another fun experience.
I just can't shake the feeling that I'm not using my time wisely.
It's a pretty valid thought to have; I've been getting up no earlier than 10am since I got back home, about half of the stuff I brought back home from BU is still in boxes, I have yet to go shopping for tour...
There are positives: half of the stuff I brought back home from BU is not in boxes, I started running this morning with pretty-much-my-best-friend-ever and saw him off to his first ever drum corps weekend, I've gotten to see a lot of my friends, my sister and family are ecstatic that I'm back home...
But I can't stop feeling that I should be getting more done. And I feel like it's all my parents' fault.
I know that it's totally a normal teenage response to just about anything that happens in an adolescent's life. It's just that never before has it been this obvious and this emotionally hard-hitting. My parents are in a rough patch, have been pretty much since I first left for school. There was a time when my dad was living in Bridgewater with my aunt because my mom kicked him out of the house. I'd delve into the background of their dispute, but I don't have enough information, it's really hard to talk about, and quite frankly it's none of your business. Anyway, every time I'm with them since college, there's always been at least two loud arguments while I've been around. It's really hard to watch the relationship between your parents deteriorate while you're away at school, and then when you're home for less than two weeks before you head off for another almost three months.
This stress makes things harder for everyone. It's harder for my parents to make decisions, harder for me to ask them things, harder for me to listen to them, harder for them to listen to me. It's really hard for my sister...I don't even want to think about it. She's been at home with just the two of them because I'm away at school. I worry for her so much...
So, yes, I do blame my parents for my current emotional state. I know that I'm not completely blameless, everyone has their own crosses to bear and mountains to climb. I just wish it wasn't so easy and right to put them at fault.
I feel like I'm responsible, at least in part, for their happiness. I don't want to do anything to make them upset or angry. It sounds simple enough, but I'm becoming an adult. There are things that I want to do that they might not agree with, and unless we communicate to each other there's no way any sort of decision or compromise can be reached. However, I know how my parents work. I know that if we start talking about any sort of volatile issue, my dad will start to get loud, my mom will try to calm him down, and things just explode.
I've begun to suspect that my dad is treating life since mom's operation as a crisis situation. You know, in the movies or on TV, when something disastrous happens, the father has to "be strong" for his family, he has to take care of the kids and get things done so they can stay together. The same can be said of mothers, but when the crisis is/was my mom, you see how my father transitioned into this state. Not to mention the fact that he himself underwent surgery after I left for school as well. Times are stressful, and I fear that the stress is taking a major toll on both of my parents. My fear is causing me to get stressed about my own life, and I've lashed out at my father on several occasions since I've been home.
I just want everything to go back to normal...
I just want everything to go away...
I'd say that tour will solve everything, at least temporarily, but I know that that's unrealistic. Being on tour is its own special kind of stress, and I normally love the kind of stress that color guard brings. However, it's not going to mix well with the stress that I'm going to be carrying from home.
Paradoxically, this makes me even MORE stressed because now I'm worried about being worried on tour. It's a vicious cycle.
Carolina Crown is something that I've been looking forward to ever since last August, when me and pretty-much-best-friend-ever road tripped to Allentown to see both nights of DCI East. We had a blast, it was our first ever trip on our own, no parents. Everything went off without a hitch. It was pretty much one of the best times we'd ever had together. I promised myself that I'd be marching one of those corps the following summer, and I was able to make it happen.
I can't let myself get in the way of achieving what I've been working toward all year.
I have to be able to move past the stress, the worries, my parents, my sister...
I want my parents to be okay.
I want my sister to be okay.

I know that I can't control them. I know that I have to focus on the tasks at hand, and that doing my own thing and getting shxt done will make things easier on my parents. I just wish I could do something more.

I want to get out of my house. But I don't have that freedom. My parents want to know exactly where I'm going and why, and I haven't got the heart to lie to them as I leave them for another extended period of time. I want people to come see me, but I've got things to do and my parents are ever-quick to remind me of it.
I refuse to be another stress they have to worry about.
I just can't help but feel that no matter what I do, I'll always be a stress to them. They'll always worry. They'll always argue about what's best for me.
I don't want to be what comes between them.

For the first time since they separated (they've been back together since about Thanksgiving time), I'm so scared for them. Really, truly scared for their marriage and our family.

I guess I just have to keep moving on. I have my own things to do. They've been pretty supportive of my efforts so far. I can't do them wrong.

I love them.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night...
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see...
All your life...
You were only waiting...
For this moment to be free...

_~*and as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual*~_

[z^3]