Everybody knows you cried last night

Before I delve into the meat and potatoes of this blog post, allow me to fulfill the promise I made last time:
I GOT A SPOT AT CAROLINA CROWN!!!
So I will in fact be going on tour this summer with one of the top World Class drum corps in Drum Corps International (DCI). Wicked excited, really nervous, cannot wait for move-ins!
If anyone is interested in coming to events this summer, go on ahead to www.dci.org for show information...also if anyone has an interest in sponsoring me (financial support), please feel free to contact me.

Now...on to the more serious business.

It's that time of the year again.

You all know what I'm talking about. It's spring, and everyone's hormone levels are higher than Bob Marley on 4/20. For some, this means relationships, some it means hook ups, some it means extra fun with the current significant other.

For me, it means that I'm on the outside looking in.
My two best friends are in a relationship with each other, and it's one of the sweetest things I've ever seen. I guess I'm a little biased considering I basically pushed them together, and we all have that part of us that loves to see our projects grow past what we originally thought was possible. The two of them are so happy together, and I can actually stand being around them when they're being a couple. It's definitely a thing to be admired.
This on its own would not be so hard to weather if it weren't for the other couple forming before my eyes. Some of you may remember T from my first blog post? Well, him and I have patched things up recently and we're both much better for it. Now, T found someone, an actual someone, who he can be intimate with. The good part is that I've never seen him so genuinely happy before, which means that he's not going to be falling into the dark abyss of despair anytime soon. But, this also means I have to deal with T and his new special friend, H, being special with each other in my face.
Now, this might seem hypocritical to some of you. Even as I wrote that sentence, it reminds me of those homophobes who say "I don't mind gays as long as they don't flaunt their sexuality." The thing is, I'm not upset that they're enjoying each other's company, I'm upset because I miss having someone like that.
The fact of the matter is, I've never had a boyfriend or significant other who was closer than 45 minutes from me. Don't bother berating me with the "Long distance never works" bullshit, I don't need to hear it. I know from experience that it's hard and it sucks, but I followed what my heart told me, and I don't really regret any of the three serious relationships that I've had (but #2 is rapidly approaching regret status).
I feel as if I've become the stereotypical gay man: loose, out for sex, at risk, no emotional connection, dramatic
That's not who I want to be.
I know that I can be compassionate and caring and enduring, and I've been able to accomplish that in some cases, but things just never seem to work out. Then I'm single again, and it's back to one night stands and hookups with random guys.
I don't want to live that dangerous life, dangerous physically and emotionally. Being detached only works as long as you're committed to the detachment, and I can't separate my head from my emotions long enough .
Seeing T and H together makes me feel really happy and at the same time really sad.
It makes me feel like I'll never be able to find something as purely simple and happy as they have together. It makes me feel like I'm cold, unfeeling, whorish almost. I feel like as time goes on, I've been getting hurt by guys more and more, and they've been because of dumb decisions that I've made. I know that I have control of what I do and who I do it with, but in the moment, I don't think. I act impulsively, and all I have to show for it is another notch on my belt and another dent in my conscience.
I'm doing it wrong.
I want to change my ways.
I can almost guarantee that I won't.

But.

Under the red light
Everybody knows I cried last night.*

_~*and as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual*~_

[z^3]

*assuming I actually can cry. I can be an emotional brick sometimes. Just a clarification.

Far beyond where the horizon lies

"You're so organized."

It is shocking for me to hear these words directed at me. My friends will tell you, I am extremely messy and always put things off to the last minute. If you catch me on a good day I'll tell you that I believe in organized chaos, and that I work well under pressure. Both true statements, by the way. But, there's no denying that I am a lazy slob under most circumstances. It's a sad story.

"You're so organized."

On multiple, separate occasions, my floor-mates have walked into my room to me typing away furiously, and they've said this simple, respectful, baffling three-word phrase. To me. As they walk over piles of dirty laundry and old papers.

My floor-mates, stunningly enough, are under the assumption that I'm organized. Why?

Because I've taken to planning the next four years of my college career in multiple Excel spreadsheets.
If you think you've known stress, this is a whole 'nother country of stress.
Currently, my major is Science Education. Ever since I was accepted into BU, I knew that I was going to do a BUCOP (BU Co-Op Program), that means that I get a degree from two different colleges at BU. In my case, a BS in Biology Education from SED and some type of Biology degree from CAS. Now, herein lies the problem(s):
Deciding what biology major
Whether or not to add a minor
How to deal with overloading or summer classes
Where color guard fits into all of this

*cue Tevye (Fiddler on the Roof)* Sounds crazy, no?
Yes. It's crazy. It doesn't help that I need to run back and forth between CAS and SED getting signature upon signature. Not to mention the fact that the semester is ending in a week, and I still have to meet with the Biology department and my SED advisor to finalize my course list, all before Tuesday when I meet with the BUCOP coordinator for CAS and have her sign my completed BUCOP plan. It's a fxcking mess.
Originally, I planned on pursuing Biology with a specialization in Neuroscience. I love the brain, and if I could just take neruobiology courses forever I would. Unfortunately, the exceedingly large amount of coursework and the lack of compatibility with my Bio Ed major makes Bio w/ Neuro a very stressful and possibly expensive choice. The plain and simple Biology major is flexible enough for me to match up all the science requirements to the Bio Ed major. Also it's less coursework. I can still take courses in neurobiology (granted it's like, 2 courses, after my SED reqs and other specific classes swallow up the other 5 slots) and I may be able to take Gross Human Anatomy for credit! Gross is probably the hardest class at BU, and I've heard nothing but good things about it. So excited to work with cadavers!!!
So I'm leaning heavily to doing the tried-and-true Biology major. It's less coursework and more flexible than the Bio w/ Neuro.

Now, there are two minors which interest me at this point in time. One is Human Anatomy. However, after much deliberation, it seems like the whopping 5 courses in SAR are too much to tack on considering how late I would be starting the minor. The other, prettier, and much more fun option is a Dance minor. The dance minor is 20 credits, so it's equivalent to 5 classes, and I've already taken 2 credits toward it. The additional 18 come from classes in dance history, choreography, performance, 3 more technique classes, and 5 more elective credits, with a mind boggling array of options, including Martial Arts, Mind/Body (yoga), Kinesiology, Nutrition, the list goes on.

So, my personal favorite option is the Biology major with a Dance minor. The good news: it's achievable in 4 years. The bad news: I have to take 3 courses over the summer. The worse news: my parents are very adamant about paying for summer courses at BU, mostly because it would also involve housing, money for food, etc. The other option is to take the courses back home, but the problem with that plan is that BU is particularly anal retentive about the outside courses they will count for credit and the amount of credit they're willing to give. Even if I go home and take Intro to Philosophy, Sociology 101 and World Geography, which all have equivalent courses at BU, the credit system may not match up and BU could end up awarding me awkward amounts of credit, of which I'll have to somehow make up the deficit.
I'd like to be able to say that I've reached a decision about my college plan but I'm still facing obstacles both mental and physical. My parents remind me that I had planned on studying abroad at some point. Now it seems like my only option is Teaching Abroad, which I have no problem with. However, if I have to take an additional course in order to do my practicum in Sydney, then my plans are REALLY going to get screwed up.

Basically what this whole dissertation on college planning means is that I have ridiculous skill at planning for the long term. Not just with college, but with other things as well. I've planned trips on the road and in the air, for me, for friends and for my family. I have a mysterious ability to achieve extremely long term goals and lay out structured plans for their completion. This is oddly offset by my lack of short-term planning, i.e. procrastinating with schoolwork and forgetting to call my parents on a weekly-ish basis. Also, I'm stressed out of my fxcking mind.

It doesn't help that the last round of auditions for Carolina Crown are this weekend. In an email from the guard caption head, the staff will be "setting the guard on Sunday," which means that by Sunday, they will know who is going on tour with a spot, who is going as an alternate, and who is going home to watch from the stands. I am out of my MIND with anxiety. I want to do this more than almost anything...I don't even want to think about not making the cut.

And of course, finals are coming, blah blah blah. Every other college kid is complaining about final exams/projects/papers, I'm sure anything I say will be a reiteration of thousands of whiny adolescents bxtching about how their finals week is so much more hellish than anyone elses. Whatever. It's finals. It happens every semester. I'm kind of over it. I actually find the actual week of finals rather relaxing. You know exactly what you have to do, all you have to do is show up on time and do it. Kind of like being on tour, fnar fnar...

This might be the last blog post before I leave for camp...
So the next time I'm back online ranting I'll either be jumping for joy or sobbing my eyes out.
Let's pray its the former.

_~*and as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual*~_

[z^3]

I hope you dance

Dancing is one of those few things in the world that can magnify someone's personality or change it all together. A shy person in real life might be a demon on the dancefloor, while someone who's outgoing might be petrified of the Chicken Dance; or, the shy person might retreat further into themselves, while the outgoing person will bust a move or moves the whole night.
This is a metaphor I'll hopefully be able to finagle into something meaningful by the end of this blog post. Let's see how things work out.
Tonight was the first annual SED Spring Fling.
I'm all for spring and fling, so when my fellow teaching-types invited me to go with them, I was all for it. It also seemed like a good way to get back together with the SED kids that I had been separated from for basically the whole year. By virtue of my major, I have to wait until next semester to take ED 100/101 Intro to Education. However, ALL of the other SED freshman have taken it already, so I had classes with none of them. I love being the ONLY Science Education major in my class.
Anyway. Tonight was the dance. We all got spruced up and stuff, and, looking very spiffy IMO, went to Bertuccis for dinner. After a lovely Italian dinner we headed over to Hillel house for the party.
Now, SED is a small school, so we didn't exactly expect the house to be a-rockin. But, even given the tragically finite size of our population, the crowd was definitely less than spectacular. But, I knew a lot of the freshman who were there and it was really nice to see them all in the same place again. Even if some of them were more wasted than a leprechaun on St. Patrick's Day. But I digress. Hoping that the dancing portion would make my $10 ticket worth it, my friends and I hit the dance floor. The result was...dissatisfying. The music itself was pretty good, but the DJ was terrible and didn't know how to cross-fade or put music in a good order to dance to. This resulted in a lot of getting on and off the dance floor for BS music choices.
I even surprised myself with the amount of times I pulled out the Judgement Face. I am not ashamed to admit that I judged the DJ and the party. A lot.
So that was basically the climate of the evening.
Now, I have a small bit of a crush on one of the guys in SED. We'll call him G. I've followed his Facebook, we've talked on AIM for a grand total of maybe 5-10 minutes, we're not exactly "friends." But, I still want to get closer to him and see what happens. Me, being the wuss that I am, follwed G with my eyes for pretty much the entire night. Never even said "Hi" to him. My excuses? "Oh he's with his friends." "Oh he's sitting down." "Oh it's awkward because I don't know if he knows I'm gay or if he's really out..." So I basically shot myself in the foot with that thing. The worst part of it is, I felt worse and worse about it as the night progressed. I started inventing reasons for why it was a good thing that I hadn't spoken to him, and that I should just wait until next semester anyway.
I can't live with that.
I want to either get over it, or make a move.
I want to compare it to my non-SED friend and his girlfriend who came to the dance with us. They're both really close friends of mine, and I was glad that they came. The guy is kind of quiet, and dancing is definitely not his thing. I knew that his girlfriend would want to dance at least a little bit, so before we even left the dorm I mentioned to him that he should dance at least a little bit at the party. We went back and forth the whole night, about how awkward he is, about how he doesn't know how to dance, about how it comes naturally to me and not to him, etc. But, less than an hour into us being at the party, he came onto the dance floor and danced with his girlfriend for a little while. Honestly, he didn't look half bad. He maintains that he was miserable the whole time, but after we sat down for a little bit, we all went back out onto the dance floor and he danced with her again.
If he had never pushed for something that he wanted, he never would have had the experience of finally dancing with his girlfriend.
If I had actually tried talking to G and made an effort to make a connection, maybe I'd have a new friend to talk to, maybe more, maybe nothing at all. But at least I would have tried, right? I would have taken a risk and obtained a new experience.
That's why I got in a slump at the dance, because I didn't allow myself to try.
Yoda says, "Try? There is no try. There is only do." Or something to that effect, I'm not sure of the exact quote. If I had DONE something, I would have a new life experience, a new memory, maybe many more future memories.
One of my favorite people in the world always reminded me: "If you want something bad enough, you'll make it happen."
Tonight, I guess I didn't want it bad enough. Maybe, in the future, with someone else, in a different time and place, I will want it bad enough. All I can do is hope that it's worth it.
And, if it isn't, I hope I have the necessary things in place to continue on, moving towards bigger and better things.
If I get the choice to sit it out or dance,
I hope I dance.

_~* and as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual *~_

[z^3]

On the willows

First blog post...we'll see how things go.


This week has been hellish in several different ways.


Firstly: schoolwork.

I know I'm not special, and that everyone and their grandmother is dealing with this because it's the end of the semester. But there is SO much that is due!!! It's slightly ridiculous. I'm mystified by my level of productivity, but baffled by the sheer amount of shxt that remains to be done!
Just to put the cherry on it, I have to AT LEAST maintain my current GPA in order for me to stay at BU next year. And my parents are really fxcking quick to remind me of that. It doesn't exactly make me feel good when I get excited about having a high B/B+ in Psychology and Writing, and a potential B+/A- in Chemistry and ASL, and all my parents can say is "You know that's not good enough! You need to be getting A's to keep up your GPA!" Really mom and dad? I didn't know that all the effort I've been putting in and doing my best all of a sudden has no meaning when the numbers don't run the right way.



Nextly: color guard.


Unfortunately, since my teaching carreer is over (for now), I no longer have a gym to practice in Tuesday, Thursday and Saturdays. I have to make due with the guard clinic "every" Monday night. The gratuitious use of sarcastic air-quotes is very important because by "every," I mean whenever blondie decides it's worth it. Couple that with the fact that I didn't recieve my technique videos until about 2 weeks ago and that gives me one gym-day to learn my flag and rifle exercises. Luckily for me I own my own rifle so I could practice in my room when the roomie was at class, and I could use the gym time for flag. Of course, the one day we actually had clinic she decided she was going to teach a little ditty for anyone who was going to be here during the summer to use for recruitment. TOO BAD NOBODY WHO WAS AT CLINIC WILL BE THERE. Fortunately, it ended quicky and I was able to learn the flag technique through video. Now all I have to worry about is the sabre technique which has not been posted yet, and the fact that I have camp in about 6 days. Oh joy.



Finally, and probably the most wordily: dramatics.


I'm not even sure where I can begin with this story. I've dealt with some very interesting characters in my history and this saga is by far the most convoluted and dramatic. It all starts with a quiet boy from Connecticut, lets call him T. T is extremely shy, and I had seen him sitting by himself in the dining hall for almost the entire first semester. I decided to introduce myself to him, and a friendship sprang up almost instantaneously. We're both violently passionate about marching band and came from very strong programs in high school, both gay, both scientifically inclined. I was still with my then-boyfriend, so there was no real chance of a relationship, although I admit there was a small attraction. Anyway, winter break comes along, and we talked constantly, almost more with him than my boyfriend (to be perfectly honest, that wasn't a reflection on my dedication to my boyfriend, it just happens that he was nocturnal and our sleep schedules weren't the most conducive to prolonged conversation). Following winter break, my boyfriend and I ended up separating, and T and i began talking even more. One night, I ended up spending the night in his room and we hooked up. I was T's first kiss, his first experience with a boy. Nothing major happened aside from us being in the same bed and making out (that's all the detail you're getting, so deal with it). This happened again on another separate occatsion a week or two after the first time. After the second time, we had a talk about our feelings for each other, and most importantly, how I was not looking for a relationship so quickly after my most recent ex and I apologized for any damage I may inadvertently have caused. I wanted to make sure that we could discuss any complications that would arise and that I was, again, deeply sorry that there were mixed messages and miscommunications between the physical and emotional elements of our relationship. I'm remiss in mentioning several key facts about T: he is OBSESSED with the Star Trek universe, specifically Star Trek: Voyager, he also experiences long bouts of depression coupled with continuously low self esteem, as well as a fixation on his high school years. Throwing all of these together results in a severely fatalist attitude towards life, as well as a ridiculous moral compass. T believes that he is enlightened through Star Trek and that the rest of humankind is too morally corrupt and ignorant to understand his mental processes and emotional states. Bearing this in mind, lets examine dramatic event #1. T is experiencing issues with a particular boy from back home. This boy is extremely immoral to the point of whorishness, and basically wants to get in T's pants as well. T is distressed by the boy's lack of moral direction and is flustered when the boy reaches out to T through the internet or texts. As T was complaining about this boy and his situation, I proposed that if he was stressing out this much over the boy, he should delete the boy from his phone and block him so as to remove the negative stimuli and promote T's mental health. T believed my advice to be uncompassionate, something he believed himself incapable of. T says that he must show compassion to all humans because how else are we to progress? I respond that the boy he's trying to show compassion for obviously doesn't care, and that T needs to take a stand for his own sanity regardless of how he thinks the boy will take it. T thinks that my advice is cold and against his moral standard. Now, you have to understand that I've been hearing this same argument over and over again for different issues in the past. I begin to go on a tirade, that T is incapable of moving forward, that he's afraid of the unknown, that he complains constantly about his lack of a love life and humanity's lack of...well...lots of things...yet he does nothing to better his situation in any way. His friend who happens to be in the room with us agrees that T needs to take a stand in his own life and not let it pass him by. T is unyielding. I decide to leave the room because the drama is beginning to give me a headache. I go to my room and get on my computer. A few minutes later I receive an IM from T reading "i hope you're happy." Perplexed, I finished the lyric from Defying Gravity and ended with a question mark. It turns out that T did end up taking my advice and got rid of the boy. I would consider this a step in the right direction, but T had other plans. T blamed me for compromising his morals, insisting that I was trying to break him down. We go back and forth for a while, and eventually stop talking. We don't speak for almost a week because he's pissed off about TAKING MY ADVICE. He actually deletes me from his friends list because he's "following my logic." The key word here is petty. About a week goes by, and I tell my friends about the dilemma, most of them agree that what I did and said was the right thing. T and I begin talking again, still sore from our last spat, but nothing disastrous appears to be on the horizon. Of course, after almost a week of normalcy, T and I get in another silly argument because I refuse to explain my status (I was really in a bad mood...you'd think after someone responding with "don't worry about it" twice and then ignoring your subsequent IM's you'd get the point that they don't want to talk). Cue dramatic event #2. He then proceeds to tell me that he hates me, and lists the reasons why. He sees me as "shallow, selfish, dispassionate." He tells me that he thinks I'm a whore and that I set out to hurt people's feelings. He sees me as chaotic, a person who takes unnecessary risks. The fact that I defy logic and convention is extremely distressing to him, apparently. As is the fact that I am a big fan of brutal honesty (because nobody tells the truth nowadays). I ask him for examples of these traits, outside of the personal catastrophe we had. He can provide none. I remind him that I apologized profusely for our hooking up (because I was/am the more experienced person) and tried to open lines of communications if he ever felt upset about what happened. He says that it wasn't enough. I remind him that although I do engage in hookups, I have self-control and discretion, and I'm always safe. He says that once was enough, that I've defined myself as a loose gay. He explains that he feels so strongly about my decision making (basically) because he cares "too much" about his friends and that his Star Trek morals don't allow for transgressions. In T's own words: "And at times, yes, I do think I'm more enlightened than the entire planet." It was at this point I typed "brb" and dropped the convo like it was hot. T and I have not spoken since.



I have to ask you...


Was what I did wrong? I know that it's impossible to change people, but giving advice is something friends do, right? I admit that I wanted to help T move past high school and embrace college, get out and try new things, make these next 4 years his own. Maybe I was trying to change him too much? I know that he was trying to change me and my way of thinking, he admitted it: "I want to be your friend because I want to help you," and "Whenever I see someone I know doing something potentially dangerous, I have the uncontrollable urge to change that and protect them." T believes that he's being condemned for good intentions, and I agree. But, as the old adage goes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. The logic behind him hating me disintegrates into "I'm right and you're wrong," "You hurt my feelings, therefore you're evil," and "You either subscribe fully to my philosophy or you're just another sentient meatbag."At least that's the way that I understand it. I asked for concrete examples, I got filibustering.


I'm just waiting for this semester to be over. Once all this schoolwork is done, I'll be back at home for about 2 weeks and then it's the tour life for me. At least until August. Cannot wait to leave everything behind and only have to worry about drum corps.

_~* and as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual *~_

[z^3]