All I need

So it's been a few months since the last time I wrote a post, mostly because school and guard and general life-things have been taking up a lot of my time and will to accomplish. I guess I just need to make an update, in case someone actually reads this junk to try to understand me and how I work. Also, I really don't want this to become a sad post. I read through this blog every now and again (obviously without making a new post) and I realize how down a lot of what I've written is. I feel so...I don't know, gloomy. I guess the dark background doesn't help much. But honestly, I don't want this to read like all I can do is mope about how awful my life really isn't. I'm so lucky, in so many ways...it's easy to forget how lucky we all are.

I have a job this summer working for Fred J. Miller as a color guard instructor at the FJM Clinics (www.fjmclinics.com). I'm really excited to get paid to do something that I love, not to mention it's more teaching experience. How it works is, I live in Dayton (Miamisburg) for 7 weeks. The first week is training at FJM headquarters. Then, the next 6 weeks start the clinics, Sat-Thurs. Saturday is a travel day and Thursday is staff development. There are 3 clinics a week, so the entire FJM staff is split into 3 groups that travel to clinics together. The clinics have programs in four areas: Drum Major/Student Leader, Color Guard (me!), Twirling, and Dance. I'm wicked pumped to fly out there and start working! I need the money...for more color guard.

I'm not marching this summer, kind of bitter about that. I had such a great time with Carolina Crown last year, it's so hard to hear about everyone leaving for spring training this week. But, with the money that I make this summer and hopefully working in the fall, I'll be able to march with Blessed Sacrament and Carolina Crown 2011.

Of course a blog post wouldn't be complete without some drama. I've come to the conclusion that I can only pick winners, as far as guys go...and we're going heavy on the sarcasm, folks. It seems like every boy I get attracted to on more than one level has some glaring problem that prevents future involvement. These aren't necessarily character flaws or me being picky (at least I hope it isn't me), but real life stuff that just makes things hard, and not in the fun way. Some are leaving Boston/BU for extended periods, some are in different stages of their life, some are really far away, some live and work with me in ways that make a relationship difficult to maintain, some of us grew apart...it's just not fun. I've gotten to that point in my single-life-cycle where I seriously start to pine for someone consistent that I can be with intimately, honestly, openly, and exclusively for a long period of time, like one measured in months and not days or (God forbid) hours. Everyone gets there and everyone struggles with finding that person. I know that the next guy may not be "the one," but maybe I'm not really looking for that one. Maybe I'm just looking for someone who will take the relationship seriously for as long as we can stand each other. Basically I guess I'm trying to say that it's really hard to stay detached for long.

It's kind of weird for me to say that, at least that's what I feel right now. I sometimes view myself as someone who is consistently detached but not in the sense that I don't care about anything. I would consider myself a passionate individual, at least about certain things, but detached in the sense that my emotions are far from the surface. I try to not let things get to me, I rarely cry (wrote a blog post about that!), few people get to hear what really goes on inside my head and my heart. Maybe that's the problem, that I'm not willing to open up to people. I can point to several times when being up-front and honest has come back to haunt me, and it's a truly scary thing to bare yourself in front of anyone. Color guard and movement are my outlets, as well as this blog to a certain extent. Maybe I'm looking for that human outlet, the person to hear me, listen to me, hold me, tell me it's going to be alright.

Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

_~*and as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual*~_

[z^3]