Take these sunken eyes

It's been a (relatively) long time.
I feel remiss for not updating this garden more often...
My deepest apologies to all three of you who actually read this poor, dry plot of weeds.
Anyway.
I'm just about halfway through the first portion of my summer, pre-Carolina Crown. I feel like the past 7-8 days have been...well...not wasteful, just not as productive as I'd have liked them to be. Don't get me wrong, I've been more than grateful to see my family again, and being able to see the youngins still in high school is awesome, and my teachers were happy to see me. I saw DCI Countdown at Clifton Commons with pretty much my best friend ever, and now he might be marching this summer as well! Then we saw X-Men Origins: Wolverine the other night, another fun experience.
I just can't shake the feeling that I'm not using my time wisely.
It's a pretty valid thought to have; I've been getting up no earlier than 10am since I got back home, about half of the stuff I brought back home from BU is still in boxes, I have yet to go shopping for tour...
There are positives: half of the stuff I brought back home from BU is not in boxes, I started running this morning with pretty-much-my-best-friend-ever and saw him off to his first ever drum corps weekend, I've gotten to see a lot of my friends, my sister and family are ecstatic that I'm back home...
But I can't stop feeling that I should be getting more done. And I feel like it's all my parents' fault.
I know that it's totally a normal teenage response to just about anything that happens in an adolescent's life. It's just that never before has it been this obvious and this emotionally hard-hitting. My parents are in a rough patch, have been pretty much since I first left for school. There was a time when my dad was living in Bridgewater with my aunt because my mom kicked him out of the house. I'd delve into the background of their dispute, but I don't have enough information, it's really hard to talk about, and quite frankly it's none of your business. Anyway, every time I'm with them since college, there's always been at least two loud arguments while I've been around. It's really hard to watch the relationship between your parents deteriorate while you're away at school, and then when you're home for less than two weeks before you head off for another almost three months.
This stress makes things harder for everyone. It's harder for my parents to make decisions, harder for me to ask them things, harder for me to listen to them, harder for them to listen to me. It's really hard for my sister...I don't even want to think about it. She's been at home with just the two of them because I'm away at school. I worry for her so much...
So, yes, I do blame my parents for my current emotional state. I know that I'm not completely blameless, everyone has their own crosses to bear and mountains to climb. I just wish it wasn't so easy and right to put them at fault.
I feel like I'm responsible, at least in part, for their happiness. I don't want to do anything to make them upset or angry. It sounds simple enough, but I'm becoming an adult. There are things that I want to do that they might not agree with, and unless we communicate to each other there's no way any sort of decision or compromise can be reached. However, I know how my parents work. I know that if we start talking about any sort of volatile issue, my dad will start to get loud, my mom will try to calm him down, and things just explode.
I've begun to suspect that my dad is treating life since mom's operation as a crisis situation. You know, in the movies or on TV, when something disastrous happens, the father has to "be strong" for his family, he has to take care of the kids and get things done so they can stay together. The same can be said of mothers, but when the crisis is/was my mom, you see how my father transitioned into this state. Not to mention the fact that he himself underwent surgery after I left for school as well. Times are stressful, and I fear that the stress is taking a major toll on both of my parents. My fear is causing me to get stressed about my own life, and I've lashed out at my father on several occasions since I've been home.
I just want everything to go back to normal...
I just want everything to go away...
I'd say that tour will solve everything, at least temporarily, but I know that that's unrealistic. Being on tour is its own special kind of stress, and I normally love the kind of stress that color guard brings. However, it's not going to mix well with the stress that I'm going to be carrying from home.
Paradoxically, this makes me even MORE stressed because now I'm worried about being worried on tour. It's a vicious cycle.
Carolina Crown is something that I've been looking forward to ever since last August, when me and pretty-much-best-friend-ever road tripped to Allentown to see both nights of DCI East. We had a blast, it was our first ever trip on our own, no parents. Everything went off without a hitch. It was pretty much one of the best times we'd ever had together. I promised myself that I'd be marching one of those corps the following summer, and I was able to make it happen.
I can't let myself get in the way of achieving what I've been working toward all year.
I have to be able to move past the stress, the worries, my parents, my sister...
I want my parents to be okay.
I want my sister to be okay.

I know that I can't control them. I know that I have to focus on the tasks at hand, and that doing my own thing and getting shxt done will make things easier on my parents. I just wish I could do something more.

I want to get out of my house. But I don't have that freedom. My parents want to know exactly where I'm going and why, and I haven't got the heart to lie to them as I leave them for another extended period of time. I want people to come see me, but I've got things to do and my parents are ever-quick to remind me of it.
I refuse to be another stress they have to worry about.
I just can't help but feel that no matter what I do, I'll always be a stress to them. They'll always worry. They'll always argue about what's best for me.
I don't want to be what comes between them.

For the first time since they separated (they've been back together since about Thanksgiving time), I'm so scared for them. Really, truly scared for their marriage and our family.

I guess I just have to keep moving on. I have my own things to do. They've been pretty supportive of my efforts so far. I can't do them wrong.

I love them.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night...
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see...
All your life...
You were only waiting...
For this moment to be free...

_~*and as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual*~_

[z^3]

While my guitar gently weeps

So.
I'm done with my freshman year in college.
It's interesting how bittersweet this feels.
I finished my chemistry final around 5pm, checked my grades and saw that I have 2 posted: American Sign Language and Psychology.
ASL: A-
Psych: B+
GOD DAMN IT.
I mean...considering I'm at BU, getting these grades is pretty sweet. However, comma, I was a 92 on the final away from getting an A- in Psych as well. Unfortunately, I missed the mark by 10 points. Now I need to get 2 B+'s or a B and an A- in Chem and Writing...and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get an A- in Chem. Here's praying to the gods of curving and good grades.
Anyway...so that's the grade aspect of being DONE.

Now...crying.
Crying is something I rarely do, but frequently feel the need to do. I've been an emotional brick for as long as I can remember, and my cries have been few and far between. That being said, when I do start to sob, it's a hot tranny mess. It's a whole big production, with the tears and the snot and just lots and lots of leaking everywhere...not fun. But, even though crying in and of itself is not fun, it's necessary. It's cleansing, and it allows expression of every emotion you could possibly be feeling. I guess that's why I look for cries sometimes. I don't think I've cried since being at college, but there's definitely been times that I've come close.
Why can't I cry when I feel the need to? I don't know how or when I put up the barriers that are currently in place, but it's frustrating. It's even worse because when I can't cry, I almost want something cataclysmic to happen, if only to just bring on the tears so I can get them out. I can almost put it in the same category as people who hurt themselves on purpose. They need to feel the pain to release their own internal pain. While I'm by no means a cutter, I can see how their logic works.
What is it about now that makes me feel like crying? Well, I feel like these next few weeks are going to be an even bigger transition than it was even coming to college in the first place. I'll only be home for a week and change before I pack up and head to South Carolina for spring training and summer tour. I've never been on tour before, never even marched with a DCI corps before. I know that there's student leaders and staff members who will help me, and it's not like I'm without information. I'm just really scared because I don't want to be that boy. That boy who forgot to pack something important, that boy who made the corps late, that boy who doesn't know his drill.
Next, I'm going to be leaving behind people who I've been living and working with for almost a full year since I came to BU. It's going to be really hard to say goodbye to them, even if it's only for a summer. Not to mention the fact that I won't be able to see any of them, even the local ones, over the summer because of tour. Not that tour won't be amazing or anything!
I think even more scary than leaving people behind is living at home in NJ again. I love my family more than I'll ever admit, and I'm really truly excited to see them all again. However, they're fxcking oppressive. I was so excited to go to school away from home because I wouldn't have to justify every action I took to my parents. No more having to explain where I'm going, what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, and getting their approval before going down the block. I wanted to be free to be me, to take chances, meet new people, try new things...of course some of these people and things would be very objectionable to my parents, but not to me...and to be perfectly honest I'm no worse for the experiences and adventures I've taken in and around Boston. I just want my parents to trust that I can make safe decisions for myself, and that I choose to surround myself with people that I trust. I don't want to be on lockdown again.
Of course, there's still drama here that I have to deal with. Packing up my entire room is pretty fxcking daunting. Crazy friends are still crazy. I still have more roles and group dynamics than I can shake a stick at and sometimes its pretty confusing to figure out exactly what each individual friend needs at different points. Especially when some of them will have a psychotic episode at the drop of a fxcking hat. But I'll keep going because that's what I do best, at least for now. I'm not going to take back what I said earlier, that I surround myself with people that I trust. I have true friends and they'll never get less than my all from me.
A cry doesn't seem like a bad idea. I guess I just have no time for it. Every day is action-packed; there's always plenty of coming attractions to keep me busy, whether it's buying things, working on something, or even making more coming attractions for the next action-packed day. Who has time to enjoy a good sob-fest when you have to write a paper? book a flight? pack your stuff? help a friend through yet ANOTHER crisis? exist?

I don't know where, when, or why. But a cry is coming.
And it will feel amazing.

I'm going to miss Boston, and all the amazing friends that I've made in my freshman year here. I can't wait to come back and do it all over again, with more and different classes, more and better friends, more and more fun activities and events, and maybe a little more sanity thrown in there somewhere. All after a KICK-ASS tour with the Carolina Crown Drum and Bugle Corps.

I look at the world and see that it's turning
While my guitar gently weeps
With every mistake we must surely be learning
Still my guitar gently weeps
...
I look at you all...
See the love there that's sleeping...
Still...
My guitar gently weeps...

_~* and as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual*~_

[z^3]