you can't beat that

so i don't really have much to say today...
i've recently learned a lot about living with and on the internet. some of it was hard, some was from friends, some from people i wish i could talk to more, some from people i really don't want to talk to ever.
the important thing, at least what i feel was important, was persevering. i know it wasn't some catastrophe, like the anniversary we remember today...but it felt real, present, almost dangerous at times. i was worried, scared for my reputation, that people might change what they think of me. i can't lie and say that i've completely moved on and i'm not even phased. but there's been some growing over the course of this week. i hope it stays, i hope to keep growing and learning about life, about people, about me. i hope that i recognize the people and things allowing me to grow, and that i accept them freely and openly. it's all part of the biography, it all matters.
anyway...
i finally found the full transcript of this monologue, it's from The Daily Show with Jon Stewart on September 20, 2001. it was the episode aired following the 9/11 attacks. some of you may know it, or have heard bits and pieces of it. it means a lot to me, especially being able to finally read all of it, and i hope it strikes something in you as well. enjoy...

September 20, 2001

With Jon Stewart

Good evening and welcome to the Daily Show. We are back. This is our first show since the tragedy in New York City and there is really no other way to start the show then to ask you at home the question that we asked the audience here tonight and that we’ve asked everybody we know here in New York since September 11, and that is, "Are you okay?" And we pray that you are and that your family is.

I'm sorry to do this to you. It's another entertainment show beginning with an overwrought speech of a shaken host--and television is nothing if not redundant. So I apologize for that. Its something that, unfortunately, we do for ourselves so that we can drain whatever abscess is in our hearts and move on to the business of making you laugh, which we haven’t been able to do very effectively lately. Everyone has checked in already. I know we are late. I’m sure we are getting in just under the wire before the cast of Survivor offers their insight into what to do in these situations. They said to get back to work. There were no jobs open for a man in the fetal position under his desk crying. . . which I gladly would have taken. So I come back here and tonight’s show is not obviously a regular show. We looked through the vault and found some clips that we think will make you smile, which is really what’s necessary, I think, right about now.

A lot of folks have asked me, "What are you going to do when you get back? What are you going to say? I mean, jeez, what a terrible thing to have to do." And you know, I don’t see it as a burden at all. I see it as a privilege. I see it as a privilege and everyone here does. The show in general we feel like is a privilege. Even the idea that we can sit in the back of the country and make wise cracks. . . which is really what we do. We sit in the back and throw spitballs--but never forgetting that it is a luxury in this country that allows us to do that. That is, a country that allows for open satire, and I know that sounds basic and it sounds like it goes without saying. But that’s really what this whole situation is about. It’s the difference between closed and open. The difference between free and. . . burdened. And we don’t take that for granted here, by any stretch of the imagination. And our show has changed. I don’t doubt that. And what it has become I don’t know. "Subliminible" is not a punchline anymore. Someday it will become that again, Lord willing it will become that again, because it means that we have ridden out the storm.

The main reason that I wanted to speak tonight is not to tell you what the show is going to be, not to tell you about all the incredibly brave people that are here in New York and in Washington and around the country, but we’ve had an unenduring pain, an unendurable pain and I just. . . I just wanted to tell you why I grieve--but why I don’t despair. (choking back tears) I’m sorry. . . (chuckles slightly) luckily we can edit this. . . (beats lightly on his desk, collects himself).

One of my first memories was of Martin Luther King being shot. I was five and if you wonder if this feeling will pass. . . (choked up). . . When I was five and he was shot, this is what I remember about it. I was in school in Trenton and they turned the lights off and we got to sit under our desks. . . and that was really cool. And they gave us cottage cheese, which was a cold lunch because there were riots, but we didn’t know that. We just thought, "My God! We get to sit under our desks and eat cottage cheese!" And that’s what I remember about it. And that was a tremendous test of this country's fabric and this country has had many tests before that and after that.

The reason I don’t despair is that. . . this attack happened. It's not a dream. But the aftermath of it, the recovery, is a dream realized. And that is Martin Luther King's dream.

Whatever barriers we put up are gone. Even if it's just momentary. We are judging people by not the color of their skin, but the content of their character. (pause) You know, all this talk about "These guys are criminal masterminds. They got together and their extraordinary guile and their wit and their skill. . ." It's all a lie. Any fool can blow something up. Any fool can destroy. But to see these guys, these firefighters and these policemen and people from all over the country, literally with buckets, rebuilding. . . that’s extraordinary. And that's why we have already won. . . they can't. . . it's light. It's democracy. They can't shut that down.

They live in chaos. And chaos, it can't sustain itself--it never could. It's too easy and it's too unsatisfying. The view. . . from my apartment. . . (choking up) was the World Trade Center. . .

Now it's gone. They attacked it. This symbol of...of American ingenuity and strength...and labor and imagination and commerce and it's gone. But you know what the view is now? The Statue of Liberty...the view from the south of Manhattan is the Statue of Liberty...

You can’t beat that. . .

for all those touched by the tragic events of 9/11...
those who died
those who were injured, body, mind or spirit
those who watched as the towers burned
those who fought against the hijackers
those who saved countless people
those who work hard to rebuild
those who want to forget
those who will never forget
those who keep moving on...

With the stillness of the night
there comes a time to understand
to reach out and touch tomorrow
take the future in our hand

We can see a new horizon
built on all that we have done
and our dreams begin another
thousand circles 'round the sun

We go on
to the joy and through the tears

We go on
to discover new frontiers

Moving on
with the current of the years

We go on
moving forward, now as one

Moving on
with a spirit born to run

Ever on
with each rising sun

To a new day
We go on

_~* and as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual *~_

[z^3]

I'd never want to see you unhappy

This blog has been a long time coming, so bear with me.
Today, I met up with a bunch of my good friends and co-workers from last winter for dinner in Boston. We had such a good time. The food was great (and cheap!), we went for ice cream afterwards (minus one of us), it was just a really nice reunion.
However.
Now I'm sitting here in my dorm, feeling like shit, feeling like I want to scream, feeling like injuring myself or someone else or something.
It's because of S, my ex-boyfriend who was with us at dinner.
It's not like he's trying to make me feel this way. We actually had a very civil breakup after three months (the relationship, the distance, his job and teaching was causing him lots of stress, he didn't want to be unfair to me by not being all he could for me, it was a mutual decision). and continued to teach together after that. I saw him on tour this summer with his new boyfriend and, again, we talked and hung out and everything was sunshine and rainbows and flowers.
After tour, I was back in NJ, and a bunch of my high school friends went out to the movies together. Afterwards, we went to a 24-hour diner (it was 2am, and sidenote: why can't there be 24-hour diners everywhere? They are AWESOME) and ate and talked a while. During that time, my good friend who is the boyfriend of one of my co-workers said that S had contacted his girlfriend, J, recently. They were talking about the fall season (that I'm not teaching) and the upcoming winter (that I hopefully am teaching) and the normal BS. Four hours after this conversation, S calls her back because something slipped his mind earlier. He forgot to mention that after the winter season, he's planning on moving to Portland, Oregon to live with the love of his life, the boy he met on tour, and he's leaving J to be in charge of the color guard.
What. The. Fxck.
I was in a state of shock. Later that night I called up the girlfriend and we talked about what I had just heard. Neither of us had words to describe how stupefied we were. Many talks about this ensued over the weeks leading up to tonight's get-together.
S's plans were discussed briefly over dinner.
It took me so much concentration to not completely rage all over him for the duration of the meal. Fortunately I was not alone, as the winter director (who is due to deliver a baby girl in about 10 days) was also about to punch S in the throat.
I'm going through this whole "set the scene" rigmarole to offer the best chance for the reader to understand where I'm coming from when I begin to rant, which will be in about five seconds.
Let me say some things about S before I actually begin. Firstly, he is a very sweet individual, not a bad person at all. Second, S is not in school, nor has he completed any education past high school. Next, S is a temp. Last, he lives with his mother in assisted housing and they share a car.
Now.

What the fxck is he thinking? I don't understand the logic, the decision-making process he used to decide to move across the entire country for this boyfriend of his. How can you know that you're ready to live with someone you've only known for a shade over three months? Don't give me any of that "love at first sight" bullshit, that doesn't exist. Not to mention the fact that the boy in question is already living with someone else! S expects that either Sleepless-in-Portland (S's bf) will kick out whats-his-face and let S move in, or S will get an apartment and wait for Sleepless-in-Portland to figure shxt out. Only problem with that is, it's fxcking PORTLAND. This isn't 1950, you can't just waltz into a major city and pick out an apartment you want to live in. Not only that, S is a temp with no college education. What job are you going to get with those credentials that will even allow you to support yourself, let alone find your own apartment in the city? It's not like S-i-P is a billionaire heir or something, he's working a regular day job probably not unlike S, so who does S expect to help him figure out his new life on the West Coast? Speaking of new lives, S isn't the only person he's effecting by moving 3,000 miles away. First and probably the most important person affected: Mommy dearest. Momma S has been in and out of employment since S and I first met, and she's been holding down her current job for a few months. But again, she's not earning a salary, she's getting an hourly wage, which, even with her and S put together, still had a hard time making ends meet. Without S at home, what is she going to do? Spend months looking for a second job? Possibly not find one and risk her home, her security? Other people affected: Triton staff, namely J. J and I both relied on S not only to direct the guard, but also to get us to and from rehearsals during the week. Without him there, not only does J have to become the director, we have no way to get to rehearsals. J also lives in California when she's not here at BU. How is she going to teach band camp or write a show from Cali? Logistics are not favorable, folks. I'm personally affected because this makes me feel like S is a worthless, unstable piece of shxt. How is our relationship "too stressful" when I live 45 mins away, and now you're willing to move across the country for someone you've known for basically the same amount of time and now won't see for basically a year? Until you pack up what little life you have and spend money you don't have to live there? How should I feel?
Fxck my emotional mess, I know I just have to figure that out myself.
However, comma, there's still the arbitrary silliness that is this whole "Mr. S goes to Portland" catastrophe.
Should I be angry? I certainly think so. I feel betrayed, not just on the emotional level of ex-boyfriend, current friend stuff. I feel betrayed on a basic trust level, on a respect-for-your-coworkers level. How could he not tell me something like this directly? How dare he let me find out not even from one of my coworkers, but her boyfriend? I thought we were friends, that we had been able to move past the potential awkwardness of a breakup.
Should I communicate my feelings to S? I think so as well. This decision isn't just affecting me, it affects everyone in his life. Does he know that? I'm not even sure. His reasoning comes across as immature and selfish, only looking out for his happiness, not even considering what it means for the rest of the people in his life. I wanted to say something to him tonight, but I knew that if I started it would end up looking something like this, but probably with more swears and A LOT louder and accusatory.
I just don't know what to do. I'm going to try to get S to come by so we can have a private sit-down and talk face to face, but I don't know if that's going to happen. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to injure something or someone, I need some sort of release. Obviously I can't do any of these things with S in front of me (maybe the scream part). But even if S does come in and we chat, is it even worth it? How can I expect him to listen to me? It will be all too easy for him to write off my arguments as me not wanting him to be happy, or me being jealous of his current relationship, or me taking things out of proportion, or me wanting him back. I've gone over it in my head before. But I have to get it off of my chest. I want him to hear what I have to say.
I don't want S to ruin his life.
What happens if things don't go according to his plans? If he gets kicked out on the streets of Portland, no job, no money, no place to stay? He has the potential to fall and fall HARD. I'd hate to get a call in the middle of the night from him, telling me that he has no place to go. I don't even want to think about it, but he HAS to think about it. He needs to know the risks that he's taking, the people he's hurting. He has to weigh out the benefits versus the costs, and if it's really worth it. Only he can make that decision.
I don't want him to go. Not for my sake, but for his.
If he goes out there...
I...we...might never see him again.
I don't want to have to say goodbye...forever.

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

_~*and as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual*~_

[z^3]