Today, I met up with a bunch of my good friends and co-workers from last winter for dinner in Boston. We had such a good time. The food was great (and cheap!), we went for ice cream afterwards (minus one of us), it was just a really nice reunion.
However.
Now I'm sitting here in my dorm, feeling like shit, feeling like I want to scream, feeling like injuring myself or someone else or something.
It's because of S, my ex-boyfriend who was with us at dinner.
It's not like he's trying to make me feel this way. We actually had a very civil breakup after three months (the relationship, the distance, his job and teaching was causing him lots of stress, he didn't want to be unfair to me by not being all he could for me, it was a mutual decision). and continued to teach together after that. I saw him on tour this summer with his new boyfriend and, again, we talked and hung out and everything was sunshine and rainbows and flowers.
After tour, I was back in NJ, and a bunch of my high school friends went out to the movies together. Afterwards, we went to a 24-hour diner (it was 2am, and sidenote: why can't there be 24-hour diners everywhere? They are AWESOME) and ate and talked a while. During that time, my good friend who is the boyfriend of one of my co-workers said that S had contacted his girlfriend, J, recently. They were talking about the fall season (that I'm not teaching) and the upcoming winter (that I hopefully am teaching) and the normal BS. Four hours after this conversation, S calls her back because something slipped his mind earlier. He forgot to mention that after the winter season, he's planning on moving to Portland, Oregon to live with the love of his life, the boy he met on tour, and he's leaving J to be in charge of the color guard.
What. The. Fxck.
I was in a state of shock. Later that night I called up the girlfriend and we talked about what I had just heard. Neither of us had words to describe how stupefied we were. Many talks about this ensued over the weeks leading up to tonight's get-together.
S's plans were discussed briefly over dinner.
It took me so much concentration to not completely rage all over him for the duration of the meal. Fortunately I was not alone, as the winter director (who is due to deliver a baby girl in about 10 days) was also about to punch S in the throat.
I'm going through this whole "set the scene" rigmarole to offer the best chance for the reader to understand where I'm coming from when I begin to rant, which will be in about five seconds.
Let me say some things about S before I actually begin. Firstly, he is a very sweet individual, not a bad person at all. Second, S is not in school, nor has he completed any education past high school. Next, S is a temp. Last, he lives with his mother in assisted housing and they share a car.
Now.
What the fxck is he thinking? I don't understand the logic, the decision-making process he used to decide to move across the entire country for this boyfriend of his. How can you know that you're ready to live with someone you've only known for a shade over three months? Don't give me any of that "love at first sight" bullshit, that doesn't exist. Not to mention the fact that the boy in question is already living with someone else! S expects that either Sleepless-in-Portland (S's bf) will kick out whats-his-face and let S move in, or S will get an apartment and wait for Sleepless-in-Portland to figure shxt out. Only problem with that is, it's fxcking PORTLAND. This isn't 1950, you can't just waltz into a major city and pick out an apartment you want to live in. Not only that, S is a temp with no college education. What job are you going to get with those credentials that will even allow you to support yourself, let alone find your own apartment in the city? It's not like S-i-P is a billionaire heir or something, he's working a regular day job probably not unlike S, so who does S expect to help him figure out his new life on the West Coast? Speaking of new lives, S isn't the only person he's effecting by moving 3,000 miles away. First and probably the most important person affected: Mommy dearest. Momma S has been in and out of employment since S and I first met, and she's been holding down her current job for a few months. But again, she's not earning a salary, she's getting an hourly wage, which, even with her and S put together, still had a hard time making ends meet. Without S at home, what is she going to do? Spend months looking for a second job? Possibly not find one and risk her home, her security? Other people affected: Triton staff, namely J. J and I both relied on S not only to direct the guard, but also to get us to and from rehearsals during the week. Without him there, not only does J have to become the director, we have no way to get to rehearsals. J also lives in California when she's not here at BU. How is she going to teach band camp or write a show from Cali? Logistics are not favorable, folks. I'm personally affected because this makes me feel like S is a worthless, unstable piece of shxt. How is our relationship "too stressful" when I live 45 mins away, and now you're willing to move across the country for someone you've known for basically the same amount of time and now won't see for basically a year? Until you pack up what little life you have and spend money you don't have to live there? How should I feel?
Fxck my emotional mess, I know I just have to figure that out myself.
However, comma, there's still the arbitrary silliness that is this whole "Mr. S goes to Portland" catastrophe.
Should I be angry? I certainly think so. I feel betrayed, not just on the emotional level of ex-boyfriend, current friend stuff. I feel betrayed on a basic trust level, on a respect-for-your-coworkers level. How could he not tell me something like this directly? How dare he let me find out not even from one of my coworkers, but her boyfriend? I thought we were friends, that we had been able to move past the potential awkwardness of a breakup.
Should I communicate my feelings to S? I think so as well. This decision isn't just affecting me, it affects everyone in his life. Does he know that? I'm not even sure. His reasoning comes across as immature and selfish, only looking out for his happiness, not even considering what it means for the rest of the people in his life. I wanted to say something to him tonight, but I knew that if I started it would end up looking something like this, but probably with more swears and A LOT louder and accusatory.
I just don't know what to do. I'm going to try to get S to come by so we can have a private sit-down and talk face to face, but I don't know if that's going to happen. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to injure something or someone, I need some sort of release. Obviously I can't do any of these things with S in front of me (maybe the scream part). But even if S does come in and we chat, is it even worth it? How can I expect him to listen to me? It will be all too easy for him to write off my arguments as me not wanting him to be happy, or me being jealous of his current relationship, or me taking things out of proportion, or me wanting him back. I've gone over it in my head before. But I have to get it off of my chest. I want him to hear what I have to say.
I don't want S to ruin his life.
What happens if things don't go according to his plans? If he gets kicked out on the streets of Portland, no job, no money, no place to stay? He has the potential to fall and fall HARD. I'd hate to get a call in the middle of the night from him, telling me that he has no place to go. I don't even want to think about it, but he HAS to think about it. He needs to know the risks that he's taking, the people he's hurting. He has to weigh out the benefits versus the costs, and if it's really worth it. Only he can make that decision.
I don't want him to go. Not for my sake, but for his.
If he goes out there...
I...we...might never see him again.
I don't want to have to say goodbye...forever.
I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
_~*and as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual*~_
[z^3]
First, I understand how you feel about S making sure he doesn't get hurt by his decision. And I have made my concerns known to him also.He needs to make sure he has a plan B to go with plan A. And I think he has thought it through. However he has to decide on his own what's good for him. Nobody can or has the right to tell him how to live his life. Just support him in the decisions he has made.
ReplyDeleteSecond. Who do you think you are making comments about his mother and how S only works temp?? Do you have a job. Who pays for you to go to school?? Let me tell you something, I went to College and you know what I work right beside S and he is great at what he does. His mother is in a field were you can be laid off when ever. The economy sucks right now. And just because your going to college doesn't mean there will be a job waiting for you. And your a shit for making a comment about being by the hour as to a salary. You know what and this coming from someone who got both hourly and salary. I rather get paid by the hour. So before you rant and rave on some blog. Maybe you should think what your saying before you take hits at someone's mother. Or at what they do for a living. Look at yourself before you make comments about others.
Ok now im done yelling at you for the minute. And I do understand all the other points about his moving. I share some of them. I have spoken to him and give him my opinion. But again he's the only one who can make this decision. I wish I was strong enough to move across the country and start all over. I commend him for that. For making a life for him. And im sure his mother will be just fine. She is strong just like how she raised her son...... You are not that special to degrade what someone else does for a living.
Thank you for your feedback, honestly. I understand that what I said could be seen as misinformed and derogatory. I'm standing by what I wrote. I never mean to degrade anyone, and I certainly don't mean to question anyone's worth relative to what they do for a living. Please understand that these are just the ramblings of a sheltered college student trying to make sense of his world. Thank you for your perspective, it truly does help.
ReplyDelete[z^3]
blogs are for ranting and raving. where else can you write out your problems, get out your frustration, and sort it out so you can make the right decision.
ReplyDeleteeveryone has faults...