Everybody knows you cried last night

Before I delve into the meat and potatoes of this blog post, allow me to fulfill the promise I made last time:
I GOT A SPOT AT CAROLINA CROWN!!!
So I will in fact be going on tour this summer with one of the top World Class drum corps in Drum Corps International (DCI). Wicked excited, really nervous, cannot wait for move-ins!
If anyone is interested in coming to events this summer, go on ahead to www.dci.org for show information...also if anyone has an interest in sponsoring me (financial support), please feel free to contact me.

Now...on to the more serious business.

It's that time of the year again.

You all know what I'm talking about. It's spring, and everyone's hormone levels are higher than Bob Marley on 4/20. For some, this means relationships, some it means hook ups, some it means extra fun with the current significant other.

For me, it means that I'm on the outside looking in.
My two best friends are in a relationship with each other, and it's one of the sweetest things I've ever seen. I guess I'm a little biased considering I basically pushed them together, and we all have that part of us that loves to see our projects grow past what we originally thought was possible. The two of them are so happy together, and I can actually stand being around them when they're being a couple. It's definitely a thing to be admired.
This on its own would not be so hard to weather if it weren't for the other couple forming before my eyes. Some of you may remember T from my first blog post? Well, him and I have patched things up recently and we're both much better for it. Now, T found someone, an actual someone, who he can be intimate with. The good part is that I've never seen him so genuinely happy before, which means that he's not going to be falling into the dark abyss of despair anytime soon. But, this also means I have to deal with T and his new special friend, H, being special with each other in my face.
Now, this might seem hypocritical to some of you. Even as I wrote that sentence, it reminds me of those homophobes who say "I don't mind gays as long as they don't flaunt their sexuality." The thing is, I'm not upset that they're enjoying each other's company, I'm upset because I miss having someone like that.
The fact of the matter is, I've never had a boyfriend or significant other who was closer than 45 minutes from me. Don't bother berating me with the "Long distance never works" bullshit, I don't need to hear it. I know from experience that it's hard and it sucks, but I followed what my heart told me, and I don't really regret any of the three serious relationships that I've had (but #2 is rapidly approaching regret status).
I feel as if I've become the stereotypical gay man: loose, out for sex, at risk, no emotional connection, dramatic
That's not who I want to be.
I know that I can be compassionate and caring and enduring, and I've been able to accomplish that in some cases, but things just never seem to work out. Then I'm single again, and it's back to one night stands and hookups with random guys.
I don't want to live that dangerous life, dangerous physically and emotionally. Being detached only works as long as you're committed to the detachment, and I can't separate my head from my emotions long enough .
Seeing T and H together makes me feel really happy and at the same time really sad.
It makes me feel like I'll never be able to find something as purely simple and happy as they have together. It makes me feel like I'm cold, unfeeling, whorish almost. I feel like as time goes on, I've been getting hurt by guys more and more, and they've been because of dumb decisions that I've made. I know that I have control of what I do and who I do it with, but in the moment, I don't think. I act impulsively, and all I have to show for it is another notch on my belt and another dent in my conscience.
I'm doing it wrong.
I want to change my ways.
I can almost guarantee that I won't.

But.

Under the red light
Everybody knows I cried last night.*

_~*and as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual*~_

[z^3]

*assuming I actually can cry. I can be an emotional brick sometimes. Just a clarification.