On the willows

First blog post...we'll see how things go.


This week has been hellish in several different ways.


Firstly: schoolwork.

I know I'm not special, and that everyone and their grandmother is dealing with this because it's the end of the semester. But there is SO much that is due!!! It's slightly ridiculous. I'm mystified by my level of productivity, but baffled by the sheer amount of shxt that remains to be done!
Just to put the cherry on it, I have to AT LEAST maintain my current GPA in order for me to stay at BU next year. And my parents are really fxcking quick to remind me of that. It doesn't exactly make me feel good when I get excited about having a high B/B+ in Psychology and Writing, and a potential B+/A- in Chemistry and ASL, and all my parents can say is "You know that's not good enough! You need to be getting A's to keep up your GPA!" Really mom and dad? I didn't know that all the effort I've been putting in and doing my best all of a sudden has no meaning when the numbers don't run the right way.



Nextly: color guard.


Unfortunately, since my teaching carreer is over (for now), I no longer have a gym to practice in Tuesday, Thursday and Saturdays. I have to make due with the guard clinic "every" Monday night. The gratuitious use of sarcastic air-quotes is very important because by "every," I mean whenever blondie decides it's worth it. Couple that with the fact that I didn't recieve my technique videos until about 2 weeks ago and that gives me one gym-day to learn my flag and rifle exercises. Luckily for me I own my own rifle so I could practice in my room when the roomie was at class, and I could use the gym time for flag. Of course, the one day we actually had clinic she decided she was going to teach a little ditty for anyone who was going to be here during the summer to use for recruitment. TOO BAD NOBODY WHO WAS AT CLINIC WILL BE THERE. Fortunately, it ended quicky and I was able to learn the flag technique through video. Now all I have to worry about is the sabre technique which has not been posted yet, and the fact that I have camp in about 6 days. Oh joy.



Finally, and probably the most wordily: dramatics.


I'm not even sure where I can begin with this story. I've dealt with some very interesting characters in my history and this saga is by far the most convoluted and dramatic. It all starts with a quiet boy from Connecticut, lets call him T. T is extremely shy, and I had seen him sitting by himself in the dining hall for almost the entire first semester. I decided to introduce myself to him, and a friendship sprang up almost instantaneously. We're both violently passionate about marching band and came from very strong programs in high school, both gay, both scientifically inclined. I was still with my then-boyfriend, so there was no real chance of a relationship, although I admit there was a small attraction. Anyway, winter break comes along, and we talked constantly, almost more with him than my boyfriend (to be perfectly honest, that wasn't a reflection on my dedication to my boyfriend, it just happens that he was nocturnal and our sleep schedules weren't the most conducive to prolonged conversation). Following winter break, my boyfriend and I ended up separating, and T and i began talking even more. One night, I ended up spending the night in his room and we hooked up. I was T's first kiss, his first experience with a boy. Nothing major happened aside from us being in the same bed and making out (that's all the detail you're getting, so deal with it). This happened again on another separate occatsion a week or two after the first time. After the second time, we had a talk about our feelings for each other, and most importantly, how I was not looking for a relationship so quickly after my most recent ex and I apologized for any damage I may inadvertently have caused. I wanted to make sure that we could discuss any complications that would arise and that I was, again, deeply sorry that there were mixed messages and miscommunications between the physical and emotional elements of our relationship. I'm remiss in mentioning several key facts about T: he is OBSESSED with the Star Trek universe, specifically Star Trek: Voyager, he also experiences long bouts of depression coupled with continuously low self esteem, as well as a fixation on his high school years. Throwing all of these together results in a severely fatalist attitude towards life, as well as a ridiculous moral compass. T believes that he is enlightened through Star Trek and that the rest of humankind is too morally corrupt and ignorant to understand his mental processes and emotional states. Bearing this in mind, lets examine dramatic event #1. T is experiencing issues with a particular boy from back home. This boy is extremely immoral to the point of whorishness, and basically wants to get in T's pants as well. T is distressed by the boy's lack of moral direction and is flustered when the boy reaches out to T through the internet or texts. As T was complaining about this boy and his situation, I proposed that if he was stressing out this much over the boy, he should delete the boy from his phone and block him so as to remove the negative stimuli and promote T's mental health. T believed my advice to be uncompassionate, something he believed himself incapable of. T says that he must show compassion to all humans because how else are we to progress? I respond that the boy he's trying to show compassion for obviously doesn't care, and that T needs to take a stand for his own sanity regardless of how he thinks the boy will take it. T thinks that my advice is cold and against his moral standard. Now, you have to understand that I've been hearing this same argument over and over again for different issues in the past. I begin to go on a tirade, that T is incapable of moving forward, that he's afraid of the unknown, that he complains constantly about his lack of a love life and humanity's lack of...well...lots of things...yet he does nothing to better his situation in any way. His friend who happens to be in the room with us agrees that T needs to take a stand in his own life and not let it pass him by. T is unyielding. I decide to leave the room because the drama is beginning to give me a headache. I go to my room and get on my computer. A few minutes later I receive an IM from T reading "i hope you're happy." Perplexed, I finished the lyric from Defying Gravity and ended with a question mark. It turns out that T did end up taking my advice and got rid of the boy. I would consider this a step in the right direction, but T had other plans. T blamed me for compromising his morals, insisting that I was trying to break him down. We go back and forth for a while, and eventually stop talking. We don't speak for almost a week because he's pissed off about TAKING MY ADVICE. He actually deletes me from his friends list because he's "following my logic." The key word here is petty. About a week goes by, and I tell my friends about the dilemma, most of them agree that what I did and said was the right thing. T and I begin talking again, still sore from our last spat, but nothing disastrous appears to be on the horizon. Of course, after almost a week of normalcy, T and I get in another silly argument because I refuse to explain my status (I was really in a bad mood...you'd think after someone responding with "don't worry about it" twice and then ignoring your subsequent IM's you'd get the point that they don't want to talk). Cue dramatic event #2. He then proceeds to tell me that he hates me, and lists the reasons why. He sees me as "shallow, selfish, dispassionate." He tells me that he thinks I'm a whore and that I set out to hurt people's feelings. He sees me as chaotic, a person who takes unnecessary risks. The fact that I defy logic and convention is extremely distressing to him, apparently. As is the fact that I am a big fan of brutal honesty (because nobody tells the truth nowadays). I ask him for examples of these traits, outside of the personal catastrophe we had. He can provide none. I remind him that I apologized profusely for our hooking up (because I was/am the more experienced person) and tried to open lines of communications if he ever felt upset about what happened. He says that it wasn't enough. I remind him that although I do engage in hookups, I have self-control and discretion, and I'm always safe. He says that once was enough, that I've defined myself as a loose gay. He explains that he feels so strongly about my decision making (basically) because he cares "too much" about his friends and that his Star Trek morals don't allow for transgressions. In T's own words: "And at times, yes, I do think I'm more enlightened than the entire planet." It was at this point I typed "brb" and dropped the convo like it was hot. T and I have not spoken since.



I have to ask you...


Was what I did wrong? I know that it's impossible to change people, but giving advice is something friends do, right? I admit that I wanted to help T move past high school and embrace college, get out and try new things, make these next 4 years his own. Maybe I was trying to change him too much? I know that he was trying to change me and my way of thinking, he admitted it: "I want to be your friend because I want to help you," and "Whenever I see someone I know doing something potentially dangerous, I have the uncontrollable urge to change that and protect them." T believes that he's being condemned for good intentions, and I agree. But, as the old adage goes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. The logic behind him hating me disintegrates into "I'm right and you're wrong," "You hurt my feelings, therefore you're evil," and "You either subscribe fully to my philosophy or you're just another sentient meatbag."At least that's the way that I understand it. I asked for concrete examples, I got filibustering.


I'm just waiting for this semester to be over. Once all this schoolwork is done, I'll be back at home for about 2 weeks and then it's the tour life for me. At least until August. Cannot wait to leave everything behind and only have to worry about drum corps.

_~* and as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual *~_

[z^3]