While my guitar gently weeps

So.
I'm done with my freshman year in college.
It's interesting how bittersweet this feels.
I finished my chemistry final around 5pm, checked my grades and saw that I have 2 posted: American Sign Language and Psychology.
ASL: A-
Psych: B+
GOD DAMN IT.
I mean...considering I'm at BU, getting these grades is pretty sweet. However, comma, I was a 92 on the final away from getting an A- in Psych as well. Unfortunately, I missed the mark by 10 points. Now I need to get 2 B+'s or a B and an A- in Chem and Writing...and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get an A- in Chem. Here's praying to the gods of curving and good grades.
Anyway...so that's the grade aspect of being DONE.

Now...crying.
Crying is something I rarely do, but frequently feel the need to do. I've been an emotional brick for as long as I can remember, and my cries have been few and far between. That being said, when I do start to sob, it's a hot tranny mess. It's a whole big production, with the tears and the snot and just lots and lots of leaking everywhere...not fun. But, even though crying in and of itself is not fun, it's necessary. It's cleansing, and it allows expression of every emotion you could possibly be feeling. I guess that's why I look for cries sometimes. I don't think I've cried since being at college, but there's definitely been times that I've come close.
Why can't I cry when I feel the need to? I don't know how or when I put up the barriers that are currently in place, but it's frustrating. It's even worse because when I can't cry, I almost want something cataclysmic to happen, if only to just bring on the tears so I can get them out. I can almost put it in the same category as people who hurt themselves on purpose. They need to feel the pain to release their own internal pain. While I'm by no means a cutter, I can see how their logic works.
What is it about now that makes me feel like crying? Well, I feel like these next few weeks are going to be an even bigger transition than it was even coming to college in the first place. I'll only be home for a week and change before I pack up and head to South Carolina for spring training and summer tour. I've never been on tour before, never even marched with a DCI corps before. I know that there's student leaders and staff members who will help me, and it's not like I'm without information. I'm just really scared because I don't want to be that boy. That boy who forgot to pack something important, that boy who made the corps late, that boy who doesn't know his drill.
Next, I'm going to be leaving behind people who I've been living and working with for almost a full year since I came to BU. It's going to be really hard to say goodbye to them, even if it's only for a summer. Not to mention the fact that I won't be able to see any of them, even the local ones, over the summer because of tour. Not that tour won't be amazing or anything!
I think even more scary than leaving people behind is living at home in NJ again. I love my family more than I'll ever admit, and I'm really truly excited to see them all again. However, they're fxcking oppressive. I was so excited to go to school away from home because I wouldn't have to justify every action I took to my parents. No more having to explain where I'm going, what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, and getting their approval before going down the block. I wanted to be free to be me, to take chances, meet new people, try new things...of course some of these people and things would be very objectionable to my parents, but not to me...and to be perfectly honest I'm no worse for the experiences and adventures I've taken in and around Boston. I just want my parents to trust that I can make safe decisions for myself, and that I choose to surround myself with people that I trust. I don't want to be on lockdown again.
Of course, there's still drama here that I have to deal with. Packing up my entire room is pretty fxcking daunting. Crazy friends are still crazy. I still have more roles and group dynamics than I can shake a stick at and sometimes its pretty confusing to figure out exactly what each individual friend needs at different points. Especially when some of them will have a psychotic episode at the drop of a fxcking hat. But I'll keep going because that's what I do best, at least for now. I'm not going to take back what I said earlier, that I surround myself with people that I trust. I have true friends and they'll never get less than my all from me.
A cry doesn't seem like a bad idea. I guess I just have no time for it. Every day is action-packed; there's always plenty of coming attractions to keep me busy, whether it's buying things, working on something, or even making more coming attractions for the next action-packed day. Who has time to enjoy a good sob-fest when you have to write a paper? book a flight? pack your stuff? help a friend through yet ANOTHER crisis? exist?

I don't know where, when, or why. But a cry is coming.
And it will feel amazing.

I'm going to miss Boston, and all the amazing friends that I've made in my freshman year here. I can't wait to come back and do it all over again, with more and different classes, more and better friends, more and more fun activities and events, and maybe a little more sanity thrown in there somewhere. All after a KICK-ASS tour with the Carolina Crown Drum and Bugle Corps.

I look at the world and see that it's turning
While my guitar gently weeps
With every mistake we must surely be learning
Still my guitar gently weeps
...
I look at you all...
See the love there that's sleeping...
Still...
My guitar gently weeps...

_~* and as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual*~_

[z^3]