Take these sunken eyes

It's been a (relatively) long time.
I feel remiss for not updating this garden more often...
My deepest apologies to all three of you who actually read this poor, dry plot of weeds.
Anyway.
I'm just about halfway through the first portion of my summer, pre-Carolina Crown. I feel like the past 7-8 days have been...well...not wasteful, just not as productive as I'd have liked them to be. Don't get me wrong, I've been more than grateful to see my family again, and being able to see the youngins still in high school is awesome, and my teachers were happy to see me. I saw DCI Countdown at Clifton Commons with pretty much my best friend ever, and now he might be marching this summer as well! Then we saw X-Men Origins: Wolverine the other night, another fun experience.
I just can't shake the feeling that I'm not using my time wisely.
It's a pretty valid thought to have; I've been getting up no earlier than 10am since I got back home, about half of the stuff I brought back home from BU is still in boxes, I have yet to go shopping for tour...
There are positives: half of the stuff I brought back home from BU is not in boxes, I started running this morning with pretty-much-my-best-friend-ever and saw him off to his first ever drum corps weekend, I've gotten to see a lot of my friends, my sister and family are ecstatic that I'm back home...
But I can't stop feeling that I should be getting more done. And I feel like it's all my parents' fault.
I know that it's totally a normal teenage response to just about anything that happens in an adolescent's life. It's just that never before has it been this obvious and this emotionally hard-hitting. My parents are in a rough patch, have been pretty much since I first left for school. There was a time when my dad was living in Bridgewater with my aunt because my mom kicked him out of the house. I'd delve into the background of their dispute, but I don't have enough information, it's really hard to talk about, and quite frankly it's none of your business. Anyway, every time I'm with them since college, there's always been at least two loud arguments while I've been around. It's really hard to watch the relationship between your parents deteriorate while you're away at school, and then when you're home for less than two weeks before you head off for another almost three months.
This stress makes things harder for everyone. It's harder for my parents to make decisions, harder for me to ask them things, harder for me to listen to them, harder for them to listen to me. It's really hard for my sister...I don't even want to think about it. She's been at home with just the two of them because I'm away at school. I worry for her so much...
So, yes, I do blame my parents for my current emotional state. I know that I'm not completely blameless, everyone has their own crosses to bear and mountains to climb. I just wish it wasn't so easy and right to put them at fault.
I feel like I'm responsible, at least in part, for their happiness. I don't want to do anything to make them upset or angry. It sounds simple enough, but I'm becoming an adult. There are things that I want to do that they might not agree with, and unless we communicate to each other there's no way any sort of decision or compromise can be reached. However, I know how my parents work. I know that if we start talking about any sort of volatile issue, my dad will start to get loud, my mom will try to calm him down, and things just explode.
I've begun to suspect that my dad is treating life since mom's operation as a crisis situation. You know, in the movies or on TV, when something disastrous happens, the father has to "be strong" for his family, he has to take care of the kids and get things done so they can stay together. The same can be said of mothers, but when the crisis is/was my mom, you see how my father transitioned into this state. Not to mention the fact that he himself underwent surgery after I left for school as well. Times are stressful, and I fear that the stress is taking a major toll on both of my parents. My fear is causing me to get stressed about my own life, and I've lashed out at my father on several occasions since I've been home.
I just want everything to go back to normal...
I just want everything to go away...
I'd say that tour will solve everything, at least temporarily, but I know that that's unrealistic. Being on tour is its own special kind of stress, and I normally love the kind of stress that color guard brings. However, it's not going to mix well with the stress that I'm going to be carrying from home.
Paradoxically, this makes me even MORE stressed because now I'm worried about being worried on tour. It's a vicious cycle.
Carolina Crown is something that I've been looking forward to ever since last August, when me and pretty-much-best-friend-ever road tripped to Allentown to see both nights of DCI East. We had a blast, it was our first ever trip on our own, no parents. Everything went off without a hitch. It was pretty much one of the best times we'd ever had together. I promised myself that I'd be marching one of those corps the following summer, and I was able to make it happen.
I can't let myself get in the way of achieving what I've been working toward all year.
I have to be able to move past the stress, the worries, my parents, my sister...
I want my parents to be okay.
I want my sister to be okay.

I know that I can't control them. I know that I have to focus on the tasks at hand, and that doing my own thing and getting shxt done will make things easier on my parents. I just wish I could do something more.

I want to get out of my house. But I don't have that freedom. My parents want to know exactly where I'm going and why, and I haven't got the heart to lie to them as I leave them for another extended period of time. I want people to come see me, but I've got things to do and my parents are ever-quick to remind me of it.
I refuse to be another stress they have to worry about.
I just can't help but feel that no matter what I do, I'll always be a stress to them. They'll always worry. They'll always argue about what's best for me.
I don't want to be what comes between them.

For the first time since they separated (they've been back together since about Thanksgiving time), I'm so scared for them. Really, truly scared for their marriage and our family.

I guess I just have to keep moving on. I have my own things to do. They've been pretty supportive of my efforts so far. I can't do them wrong.

I love them.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night...
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see...
All your life...
You were only waiting...
For this moment to be free...

_~*and as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual*~_

[z^3]