like a runaway train

wow it's been a while...
well i was on tour this summer. that was an experience.
i could blog on and on about all the interesting things that happened and how amazing and incredible this summer was (because it was)...but i have a journal for that. and friends i can tell in person and on the phone and through IM's and blah blah blah...
anyway.

i got back home from indianapolis with my family on the night of august 10 and have been in NJ with them ever since.

i'm. going. to. explode.

i don't know what it is about being back at home that makes me want to injure small animals. i love my family, i really do...not just saying that to make myself believe it (hopefully). they just won't leave me alone.

i was fortunate enough to land a job teaching my friend's band camp up in northern NJ for a week...that was fun, i made some friends, earned some money...of course there was paperwork to fill out, including 2 forms that had to be notarized. i also have to get my fingerprint taken by this agency and bring back a receipt that i actually had it done. my appointment is on wednesday. i leave on friday. so on thursday i get to return all my paperwork. somehow, by there being only 4 days for me to pack up my life, my parents decide to just blow up.

all of a sudden my dad is ranting and raving about how i haven't managed my time well and yelling at my mom because she's not letting him speak and how i have no time and i'm yelling back and...
disaster.

i just can't deal with it.
i mean everything is pretty much okay now...
it's just like...i don't know...every now and then there will just be this outbreak of people screaming at each other for no apparent reason.

it's not fun.

and still, my parents WONDER why i can't wait to go back to boston, why i try so hard to find my friends and make plans while i'm still in NJ, why i want to go back and march Carolina Crown next summer too...and the summer after that, my last summer of drum corps.

i know that it's bad to run away from your problems, but this is stuff that i can't solve. there's nothing in my power that i can do to fix my parents' relationship. what am i supposed to do?

i'm sure i could just shut up and do what they say, but that's not the point. i've been working on getting stuff ready for school, doing laundry, getting stuff done. but, without fail, every time i walk out of my room or come back from being out somewhere, the world collapses and i have to do all these different things in the next five minutes or my dad will explode or my mom will start nagging at my sister and i... it's just a vicious cycle.

i could be blowing all of this out of proportion. i mean, hey, some kids don't even have two parents living together...some kids don't even have one parent. who am i to complain that my parents relationship sucks? at least my parents are alive and together right?

and college...so many kids don't even get to college, let alone an amazing one like BU...how dare i complain about having so much to do while i'm there?

drum corps? winter guard? some people don't even know what that is...and i'm moaning about how hard it is to make time and money to march...

i don't know. i hate being that person who bitches and moans about every little thing that doesn't go perfectly in their little life plans...

i just feel like i'm trying so hard, i have the means, the opportunity, and then stupid shit like my parents arguing with me or each other screws everything up. what can i do?

i just want my dorm and my university and my city...
i just want to be left alone, to live life on my terms...at least for a semester or two (or six)

3 days until boston...
i know my family is going to miss me
not sure how much i'm going to miss them

but i do love them

i know i do

i know...

i...

do?

There was no party, there were no songs
'Cause today's just a day like the day that he started
No one is left here that knows his first name
And life barrels on like a runaway train
Where the passengers change
They don't change anything
You get off; someone else can get on
And I'm sorry, Mr. Jones
It's time
Streetlight shines through the shades
Casting lines on the floor, and lines on his face
He reflects on the day
Fred gets his paints out and goes to the basement
Projecting some slides onto a plain white
Canvas and traces it
Fills in the spaces
He turns off the slides, and it doesn't look right
Yeah, and all of these bastards
Have taken his place
He's forgotten but not yet gone
And I'm sorry, Mr. Jones
And I'm sorry, Mr. Jones
And I'm sorry, Mr. Jones
It's time...

_~* and as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual *~_

[z^3]